Blank

was one of those blank mornings when i woke up to find that i didn't want to do anything... yesterday was strangely a resolute day and i wanted to actually to do something for myself... yes for myself, for once, you heard it right. but then things fell apart as i met denial. wasn't sure if i was expecting something else for this should have been on the top of the "don't do it! type of reply". forget it, it was yesterday...

forget i did... mind went blank and couldn't draw good from bad and was not in the state to do what is expected of it. i wish it would at least think even if it was dirty or if get me emotional... listened to every tear jerking song that i know but none seemed to be of any help. i wanted to cry, nostrils flared and eyes burned but that drop of bliss eluded me. havent been able to succeed with my own emotions here!! where do i stand in understanding and feeding the emotional desires of those i love and care for?

yes i know that i have people who will stand by me if i need but that will happen only i am struck bad... generally my voice gets drowned in their combined voices of pain and agony, but have i been ignoring myself for long now. well going back to yesterday but didn't i deserve a little more consideration when i am asking of you of your approval for something which might help me and may be make me happy just for once. didn't i deserve that tiny magnitude of happiness? may be i didn't!!

weekend is around the corner. Saturday evening mercifully i guess i have some plan but otherwise i have no intention of staying at home, in that room and let my loneliness and the neglect of my own world consume me. lets see how it goes... problem is that nothing ever happens to me. every time i see those hapless souls weeping lost in their pain i feel how lucky they are at least they feel that sitting in the slow lane at the edge of a busy life you can weep your heart gaining the sympathy of the unknown ranging from blessings for sanity to downright sincere prayer for resolve of all problems in life. may be i should give it a try, but then i am not that weak either.

today was speaking to a friend after long... remember i had observed once that i have a way that i speak to each soul that i know so that i can connect to him or her at a very intimate level. i hadn't spoken to him for so long that i actually forgot how i used to speak to him, it was so strange that i had to restart the whole process of trying and connecting to him.(Important note to be made here is that i am becoming very forgetful nowadays! Food was one of the things regularly forgotten but recently many activities have joined the list and it is not making me proud in the least!!) ya so what was i saying... ya... (see i forgot) today was speaking to a friend after long and he said that he thought that i was not capable of any violent emotion and that i wasn't capable of getting emotional also... why such a thought, after all i have my set of emotions... did they really go dry, speaking to him awakened all the dormant feelings of breaking free... not a good feeling have to suppress it!!!

Till next time, as always a confused me!