how will i go back...

how will i go back to the places that we went together, will your thoughts haunt me and leave me shattered or will i be able to smile at the sweet memories that we made together. when i walk the streets in silence will your voice echo in my mind like a storm ripping through and bleeding me or will it sooth me. 
when i smile, will i feel guilty for all the tears that you had to shed, when i am happy will i keep missing you.
What will be my tomorrow? why is it that everything is collapsing around me? people, places and memories congregating in the nick of time to make me feel puny and helpless. 
There is so much i want to type but i am tired and have no patience left. May be i will just try speaking to you...

i want to scream...

had forgotten all about you in all these days... suddenly when i walked alone on the sun streaked road to nowhere i realized i was broken. broken inside and outside. life has a very cruel timing and very crude ways of jolting into you the realization that this is where you belong. lost a relation to the bonds of life and the other i murdered. both very dear to me, both very precious.
kept thinking as i walked and there was this involuntary desire in my chest to gush the air in it to my throat and make me scream. the urge is so high that it is hurting me and i know that in the coming days it will hurt more as i gag it deeper in me.
lost is my smile, have to find it. someone needs me more than myself. i so wish to hold her and be with her but her new journey in life would mean the end of our own journey. no small journey was this, it was a long voyage. ah there goes my chest again.
i knew in myself that i had something to fall upon but as fate would have it, it was taken away at the nick of time. i caused pain, i hurt her, i ignored her but kept asking for more and more of her time. she snapped when she could take no more. she left my hand for a better life.
now that i have you and no one else i will just put in you what i feel like. atleast someone out there in the hyperspace must feel a little something for me. am i expecting pity, i don't know but all i know is i want to speak. where to now? which road do i tread?

...and then the heavens opened up...

And when my eyes grew tired,
My tears dried up,
The heavens opened up,
And let upon the parched dry land the last of my sorrow..

Photoshoot after effects :D

Seven years since i had stepped into Aruna studio to take a picture. Times were so different. A happy family to a handicapped one. Anyway the evening was a very happy one. So many colors, kids dressed in cute colors running around as photographers ran behind them to get the best shot. So badly to wanted to have a camera in my hand so that i could capture moments of my own. A strange question which had an obvious answer was asked today, however i find it worthwhile to mention it here because it just doesn't leave my mind, "Yeah photograph kaunse passport ke liye chahiye?" Now now do we look like Japaneses or something!! There was another very funny thing, it was tagged "Proposal Photograph Package". I had guessed it right when i read it first, seemed funny with the line underneath saying, "Rs. 500/- with make up and CD to send photographs online!" Hahahaaa...

Giving away a smile...

It is not the most difficult thing in this world to make your folks smile. The difficult thing is to keep them that way. Today with nothing to do and no little sister to take out and pamper, I spent well tried to spend the day with my beloved Maa and Baba.

Morning was rather the usual but more than ever Maa and I were talking. It has been long that i have let my inhibitions drop and spoken to Maa. There is nothing that stops me other than me, myself but there are always walls that seem to appear in my mind and bound my conversations with her.

I dozed off in the evening which was a rare occurrence and it felt good. Now i have some time to scribble in you :) Evening was better than i thought. Sang some love odes to my beloved and then we took off to do some shopping. If you thought that shopping has therapeutic value only for women then think again. As i have said time and again, you can buy happiness for money.

The two hour shopping spree cost me close to 20,000INR but then i was smiling looking at Maa and Baba smile :) This state of numbness for once forced me to look out for myself and you know what i finally bought a pair of shades for myself!(Photos in a while) Happy that i did... bought Baba his costliest pair of shoes yet and Maa her costliest sandals! But they were smiling... Oh ya we had ventured out to buy me lenses and that we ordered. Delivery on Wednesday.

Maa was game to everything while Baba and i fought over who was going to pay the bill. It was so much fun. 

Ended the day with a late night dinner followed by glass full mango juice and an hours talk with Deep, my dear Deep! Sleepy now. Better hit the sack or i wont wake up tomorrow :D Goodnite...

Why I feel like a loser…

Time and again I feel like I have not done anything substantial with my life. Looking back at the conscious 12 or so years of my life when I should be sheering through high tides and challenging mountains, I spent it away drifting in the wind.

Of late, I started to make an account of all that I had in my life. Yeah yeah I know. I have done that many times over but this time I wanted to do it differently. I wanted to look at everything as if I didn’t care and as if I was cleaning out my closet. I started with big things that matter the most in my life. The people around me. Had to do a make sure that I was prepared to go ahead with all of it so thought of putting it to test. Well it worked but the torrent of questions and accusations was endless and close to unbearable. But the relations didn’t matter so was an easy matter to brush aside. Just when I thought that I had finished cleaning up and was more torn than I cared to admit, something hit me through my tattered emotions.

Many years later when I am reading this post I am sure that this will sound funny but I have this one question – “Does distance make you more important? Or is it a sign of achievement because they have moved out and survived it all!” These questions arose when I was speaking to my life, my sister. We were on a call after not having spoken to each other for over 2days (this was a rare occurrence before but now this a regular story) and five minutes into the call Harsh called her. She said in a voice of urgency, Harsha anna is calling and I let her go. I kept thinking after that (while I was actually suppose to be working on something f**king important, which I left incomplete and caused quite a fuss at work!!) “Why did she cut my call? Was my call not important to her? Is it because he is away he is more important that I am? Does he give her more than what I can? Will she even call back?” Well the call never came. Yes she had messaged asking me what I was doing but the damned network never delivered it to my mobile. I so wanted to question her and ask her for answers but I was scared. I was scared because I love her so much that any reason would do and I would jump again like a happy puppy. I was scared of getting hurt again. That evening when she came home, I hugged her and hugged her again tight. I was scared. She never realized it.

Two more days passed and I had gone back to my state of numbness with quite a lot of crap being slingshot at one another at office and me getting into a tiff with the senior most members of the Hyderabad Broadcom team and my former boss Subhash Chintamaneni. Job was at the peak of its non-understandability and I was at my morals lowest. But I am such a stubborn bitch that I pushed on. This is when Kanna called again. She wanted to feel her Bro. That is what she said. Feel Bro after he had failed to feel her. She never asked me how I was or how life was going. This never fails to surprise me as I feel that everyone takes me to be living in eternal bliss while the hell breaks open for one and all everyday of their lives. I spoke to her coldly for I was hurt and wanted no more of any pain. I had a meeting coming up in a few hours and I was in no way ready for it. I was trying my best to suppress my feelings and keep pushing it but her voice broke through.

I spoke of practicality and the fact that time was shorter for her than for me. The thing about its only what you have achieved in your life that stays with you shit and everything else. I told her that for once I was keeping the family on the back burner and concentrating on my work (this is what I am using to shield all my pain with nowadays).  She was clearly hurt. But there was a little reality to it too. I no longer fear her separation from me. Earlier it used to pain but seems like I have taken it to be a fact. May be after what I am preparing myself for in Swapi’s case, all this seems but trivial. I was shocked with all that I had said and wanted to repent so sent out text messages. Here is the conversation:

Me: sorry kiddo.dont know what crap I have been speaking. Sorry baby. Very sorry mean the world to me but have kept everything back in my mind for I see everyone everyone going on with life and me having to look at two ppl to support i.e. maa and baba. i want to do something for them if i cant for anyone else.i have stopped searching for ppl,stopped reaching out.if this is growing up & trying to act smart then i dont like it but will embrace it if it is letting me move ahead.Kiddo time is a commodity u dont have.dont look for ur Bro and waste this little time u have and do what you want to.seeing u successful might just bring my smile back.

Kanna: Bro wont come in ur way.. If my bro says that he doesnt care and speaks to me as if i m someother person.. Bro u blame me 4 ur numbness .. Bro its wrong to say that people leave u ..even u have left them bro.. Everytime i ask for my bro, u blame me 4 not being there.. When i m someother person, and speak like u dont care, i dont know why i exist.. Dint think a day would come when i say that i m ur sis and u speak as to mean 'so what'.. You demean me so much.. You r insulting me so much.. What s this bro.. Do u realize any of this.. I dont know why i still expect when u speak to me like an outsider.. I.. Bro i m still the same.. But u r not... I m somebody.. Hmm...

Me:  Hmmm

Kanna:  Bro if its really 4 ma and dad that u r doing this to me, wont disturb you.. I hope u be with them emotionally and in real..

Me:  kiddo why do u always take it that i am blaming u kiddo.yes ur one of the ppl i cudnt reach but what can i expect when i cant reach out to my own mother & father.kiddo i am numb.very numb.yes its insulting to the love u expect but my mind is just closed.for maa and baba,they r beyond my doing anything.i wil submit to their wishes & if it makes them happy then that is all that i can do for them.rest i am doing it all for myself kiddo.just for myself & no one else...

Kanna:  I need him bro, not 4 something, but to feel my bro.. Bro do u think i would be able to call out to u, this way bro.. Its just that i thought i was family, but 4 long now.. i told myself that its not happening because i couldnt accept it.. Even now u r making me feel that.. Geuss its time i slap myself .. Nothing abt u.. I m not yet numb bro..

Me:  kiddo ur a part of my really small family.how can u say that ur not.i need u too.i need u too..but my emotions r drained,i am drained.Kiddo i am tired now.YOU ARE A PART OF ME & IF I LOSE U, I WILL BE EMPTIER THAN I ALREADY AM.

I am so lost. I don’t know what to feel. If I could feel anything at all my little sister left me stranded in something even more scarier. Will keep trying…

Will quit writing for now but there is a hell lot more that I was up here for there is so much pent up it is hurting and you are the only one that I can speak to right now!!

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

...Mama.  Some days l feel different than the day before.
Everybody feels different about themselves, one way or another.  But we're all going the same way.  Just taking different roads to get there, that's all.  You're on your own road, Benjamin....


...You were all alone?  Plenty of time you'll be alone.  When you're different like us, it's gonna be that way.But l'll tell you a little secret. Fat people, skinny people, tall people, white people, they're just as alone as we are.  But they're scared shitless....


...lt's funny how sometimes the people we remember the least make the greatest impression on us....


...There were many changes. Some you could see, some you couldn't....


...lt sure made me understand the value of earning a living. Things money can buy you....


...Growing up's a funny thing.  Sneaks up on you. One person is there, then suddenly somebody else has taken her place. She wasn't all elbows and knees anymore...


...Benjamin, we're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?...


...But every night, we'd meet again in that lobby.  A hotel in the middle of the night can be a magical place.  A mouse running, and stopping.  A radiator hissing.  A curtain blowing.  There's something peaceful, even comforting knowing that the people you love are asleep in their beds where nothing can harm them....


...lt's a funny thing about coming home.  Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You realize what's changed is you....


...Our lives are defined by opportunities. Even the ones we miss...


...You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went.  You can swear and curse the Fates.  But when it comes to the end, you have to let go...


...Sometimes we're on a collision course and we just don't know it.  Whether it's by accident or by design, there's not a thing we can do about it. But, life being what it is,a series of intersecting livesand incidentsout of anyone's control...


...You haven't said two words. l don't want to ruin it...


...What? What are you thinking?
Well, l was thinking how nothing lasts.
And what a shame that is.
Some things last...


...For what it's worth, it's never too late,or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.There's no time limit. Start whenever you want.You can change or stay the same.There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. And l hope you make the best of it. l hope you see things that startle you. l hope you feel things you never felt before. l hope you meet people with a different point of view. l hope you live a life you're proud of. And if you find that you're not, l hope you have the strength to start all over again...


...And as l knew l would, l watched her go...

...l have a feeling there's a lot of things l can't remember.
Well, like what, sugar?
lt's like there's this whole life l had, and l can't remember what it was.
lt's okay.  lt's okay to forget things....

I want to die...

Drowning myself in music has always been an option to forget all that is happening to me and keep my mind at peace. But today this music seems like a wall that I am not being able to tear down and do nothing more than just stare at it. The pain is immense, its up to my throat. Can say nobody, not able to bear it!
Want to scream, loud, louder, louder than I can possibly bear! Head feels dizzy, the taste of bile in my mouth is revolting, the nausea is getting to me, tears welling to the edge of the eye and my rapid blinking to disperse them, nose clogged from hours of crying that was not.
I am in pain and I am so helpless. The weight on my chest is suffocating me. The thought of distancing myself from her, the thought of giving her away to someone, the thought of not being able to love her anymore, the thought of the death of us!
I would so want to be dead than go through all this… but I love her more than my life itself and for her I will take it. I am so sorry Shonu. I am so sorry!

Have you seen maa lately?

This is the happiest i have seen her in ages. A thousand thanks to the person who captured this pic...

I want to go back

 
I Want To Go Back To The Time
When GETTING HIGH Meant On A SWING,
Not PROMOTIONS.
When DRINKING Meant RASNA ORANGE,
Not BEERS Or WHISKEYS.
When DAD Was The Only HERO,
Not DEPP Or TOM.
When LOVE Was MOM’S HUG,
Not The GIRL / BOY-FRIENDS’.
When DAD’S SHOULDER Was The HIGHEST PLACE On The Earth,
Not Your DESIGNATION.
When Your WORST ENEMIES Were Your SIBLINGS,
Not Your MANAGER.
When The Only Thing That Could HURT Were BLEEDING KNEES,
Not The TEARS Falling Down Your Cheeks.
When The Only Things BROKEN Were TOYS,
Not The DYING HEARTS.
And When GOOD-BYES Meant TILL TOMORROW,
Not For YEARS & YEARS. 

  

A beautiful mail forwarded to me by Sreedhar Kurada[VEDA Batch mate and a very dear friend] early this morning... it's so true so beautiful.

Hike... Eeks!

Got my hike. The first of my life. The last one that had happened had a different flavor to it. I had been plotting a revolt, a change. But to admit the truth, i am not sure if i should be happy or if i should be sad. The figure on the paper says 10%. It should definitely make me happy because i was expecting a lot less. But then is it a lot given the fact that i had got pay doubled 500 days ago.

Had been expecting a bonus, a promotion, i don't know, something. It didn't happen. I guess i am not satisfied. NO, I am not satisfied.

I want to smile but the conversation in my mind about dada and my life and that of maa and baba is still ringing in my head. It was pain that had pent up for 3 years. With our bitter lose in the case against dada and the sweet victory that he bought for himself has left my heart torn, which would mean that maa and baba must be in tatters :( 

I am not satisfied, i am not happy! Why does it always happen that when there is something momentous in my life, i fail to feel the happiness or the excitement involved. Want to go home, want to go to sleep on my bed. Very tired...

It's so strange...

So many accounts, so many identities, so many truths and so many lies. It sometimes feels so disturbing that we have left so many crumbs around in the cyberspace with our signature on it that anyone inclined "enough" upon trying to locate us will surely find us and reach us. Is this a boon or a bane of the cyberworld. look at this very account. it has not been accessed for so long and today, i suddenly stumbled upon it.
there are so many things that i thought i needed so badly at one point in time and today they lie here neglected and not-thought about. how can it happen that we have become so callous that we don't take care of things that we own... personally i don't like this feelingbecause for i always take pride in claiming that i take care of what
is mine and seeing this account here makes me feel like a hypocrite.
it feels so strange almost makes me feel guilty!

The Facts About Bottled Water

I was shocked when i stumbled across this article... Made a resolution not to buy a plastic bottle as far as possible.

What she wants!

There is a turmoil in my head from the time i saw those happy couples in the picnic yesterday and dad's question on our way back has been like a persistent throbbing headache. The question was plain simple and totally suggestive of what he had on his mind. He had asked maa, "Didn't you find anyone to get Rony married to?"

As simple as the question was and the ease with which my mind swept it aside, i was convinced that this was the end of it until later, when it came around to haunt me. Guess i was too tired to think after a day out in the field and so my mind just gave in to the temptation of letting go.

When my mind started turning up blank walls and thoughts later today, i decided to speak to Kanna. The only lady i could turn to without inhibition for her advice. What she told me, i knew, but it shook me out bluntly pointing at something i was ignoring. It started with me stating my trouble in these simple words, "i guess i have to get married soon." then the conversation ensued with she asking me why. i told her that maa and baba wanted me to. Then she asked me what kind of a girl i wanted, i said your kind without a second thought. What she said next was the Fat boy over Nagasaki.

She said, 

"Bro do you know what you are asking for? Do you know if you are ready? Does maa know what she is getting herself into? You know the girl who comes into our house can’t adjust? (I am not shocked but surely surprised!) Not that maa is bad but the girl would want her privacy, the freedom to do what she wants, come home from work relax, stretch out in the front room over the couch, announce that she doesn’t want to cook today, wear a short and run around, jump around you, do what she wants-when she wants! Bro such a girl, i mean my kind of a girl can’t live like this Bro. Remember what our problem was with the last alliance that we got for me was,(of course i do Kiddie) the mother. Bro all girls now want a space, however liberal your in-laws might be there will be restrictions and if you are looking for someone like me who has been away from home then you can’t get married while you are with maa and baba. then what is the use of getting married now Bro? What if she asks you to leave maa-baba, will they be able to take it? What if you have to shift to allow her to work at the place she wants?"

To this torrent of questions i had no answer and i still don’t. Wish i had more people who i could really ask. She is the only person i can ask now and i guess she is all i need. Hmmm... But one thing is for sure, at least i could get a picture of what she wants. Hope she gets what she deserves and she does deserve all that she told me. I will try i best to see to it that we get what you want baby.

P.S.: Her quoted conversation occurred over 3 hours. These are just the lines that stuck to my mind even after having a long day at office.

Bon Bhojon!

Today it was a good day minus the attitude of some of my own people but in all the day was pretty good. new people, new place a new day with mixed shades. it was good. i will add a few pictures to show how it was, how good it was! just that if only my own people... ahh... forget!


Person to remember : Di short for Dithi :)

Today - The Good & The Bad! No UGLY :)

THE GOOD: Yeahh... finally applied for my Bachelors and my Masters certificate. "3Idiots" the movie was great... even the second time... saw maa and baba laugh till they had tears in their eyes :) it feels very happy to  see them happy. I even understood a part of the code that was given to me :)Well making progress finally...

THE BAD: She is in some pub at midnight with her new boss and some colleagues boozing. Last i heard she sounded drunk. Hmmm... i have no right, what can i say!

In all a good day. Baba gave me a diary and it was very tempting to start scratching in it... may be i will give it a try later. Let’s see :)

What do you think?

It’s quite surprising to think that the first week of the New Year has just passed us by. Its maa's birthday and the day went by sweet and simply. Well nothing special about it, just office, a day of inactivity, a cake and the birthday song :) maa looked happy and that was purpose accomplished.

For me every day is passing by in the same fashion. No different from the day before that. It’s always trying to please someone. Well if that is the way of life then shouldn't i be treated the same at some point of time. Well my only resolution in the New Year was not to crib but then you are my sole companion so I couldn’t keep it from you.

Day-in and day-out i am treated the same. What is the use of the calendar changing a page or the whole calendar being replaced with a new one? Nothing makes a difference. one guy screws my life, my mother is lost in between reality and a hope of a miracle, dad is well non-existent, the lady i love only promises love when she is shown some else it is only my presence in her life that she wants (no reason or purpose - just be there!) and the girl i call my sis but then well she is busy fighting her own war.

Yes seven days ago i had promised myself i would not crib, seven days ago - that feels like a long time. My freshly smile plastered smile is beginning to crack. Losing the hope that i started out the annual calendar change with. Should i crib? Should i go silent? Should i just continue uncomplaining? Should i revolt? Should i just plot till i can escape?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Going for a movie with maa and dad in the evening tomorrow. Hope they smile!

 ~~*~~ 

Something I heard: ...weird almost feels like home...