Why I feel like a loser…

Time and again I feel like I have not done anything substantial with my life. Looking back at the conscious 12 or so years of my life when I should be sheering through high tides and challenging mountains, I spent it away drifting in the wind.

Of late, I started to make an account of all that I had in my life. Yeah yeah I know. I have done that many times over but this time I wanted to do it differently. I wanted to look at everything as if I didn’t care and as if I was cleaning out my closet. I started with big things that matter the most in my life. The people around me. Had to do a make sure that I was prepared to go ahead with all of it so thought of putting it to test. Well it worked but the torrent of questions and accusations was endless and close to unbearable. But the relations didn’t matter so was an easy matter to brush aside. Just when I thought that I had finished cleaning up and was more torn than I cared to admit, something hit me through my tattered emotions.

Many years later when I am reading this post I am sure that this will sound funny but I have this one question – “Does distance make you more important? Or is it a sign of achievement because they have moved out and survived it all!” These questions arose when I was speaking to my life, my sister. We were on a call after not having spoken to each other for over 2days (this was a rare occurrence before but now this a regular story) and five minutes into the call Harsh called her. She said in a voice of urgency, Harsha anna is calling and I let her go. I kept thinking after that (while I was actually suppose to be working on something f**king important, which I left incomplete and caused quite a fuss at work!!) “Why did she cut my call? Was my call not important to her? Is it because he is away he is more important that I am? Does he give her more than what I can? Will she even call back?” Well the call never came. Yes she had messaged asking me what I was doing but the damned network never delivered it to my mobile. I so wanted to question her and ask her for answers but I was scared. I was scared because I love her so much that any reason would do and I would jump again like a happy puppy. I was scared of getting hurt again. That evening when she came home, I hugged her and hugged her again tight. I was scared. She never realized it.

Two more days passed and I had gone back to my state of numbness with quite a lot of crap being slingshot at one another at office and me getting into a tiff with the senior most members of the Hyderabad Broadcom team and my former boss Subhash Chintamaneni. Job was at the peak of its non-understandability and I was at my morals lowest. But I am such a stubborn bitch that I pushed on. This is when Kanna called again. She wanted to feel her Bro. That is what she said. Feel Bro after he had failed to feel her. She never asked me how I was or how life was going. This never fails to surprise me as I feel that everyone takes me to be living in eternal bliss while the hell breaks open for one and all everyday of their lives. I spoke to her coldly for I was hurt and wanted no more of any pain. I had a meeting coming up in a few hours and I was in no way ready for it. I was trying my best to suppress my feelings and keep pushing it but her voice broke through.

I spoke of practicality and the fact that time was shorter for her than for me. The thing about its only what you have achieved in your life that stays with you shit and everything else. I told her that for once I was keeping the family on the back burner and concentrating on my work (this is what I am using to shield all my pain with nowadays).  She was clearly hurt. But there was a little reality to it too. I no longer fear her separation from me. Earlier it used to pain but seems like I have taken it to be a fact. May be after what I am preparing myself for in Swapi’s case, all this seems but trivial. I was shocked with all that I had said and wanted to repent so sent out text messages. Here is the conversation:

Me: sorry kiddo.dont know what crap I have been speaking. Sorry baby. Very sorry mean the world to me but have kept everything back in my mind for I see everyone everyone going on with life and me having to look at two ppl to support i.e. maa and baba. i want to do something for them if i cant for anyone else.i have stopped searching for ppl,stopped reaching out.if this is growing up & trying to act smart then i dont like it but will embrace it if it is letting me move ahead.Kiddo time is a commodity u dont have.dont look for ur Bro and waste this little time u have and do what you want to.seeing u successful might just bring my smile back.

Kanna: Bro wont come in ur way.. If my bro says that he doesnt care and speaks to me as if i m someother person.. Bro u blame me 4 ur numbness .. Bro its wrong to say that people leave u ..even u have left them bro.. Everytime i ask for my bro, u blame me 4 not being there.. When i m someother person, and speak like u dont care, i dont know why i exist.. Dint think a day would come when i say that i m ur sis and u speak as to mean 'so what'.. You demean me so much.. You r insulting me so much.. What s this bro.. Do u realize any of this.. I dont know why i still expect when u speak to me like an outsider.. I.. Bro i m still the same.. But u r not... I m somebody.. Hmm...

Me:  Hmmm

Kanna:  Bro if its really 4 ma and dad that u r doing this to me, wont disturb you.. I hope u be with them emotionally and in real..

Me:  kiddo why do u always take it that i am blaming u kiddo.yes ur one of the ppl i cudnt reach but what can i expect when i cant reach out to my own mother & father.kiddo i am numb.very numb.yes its insulting to the love u expect but my mind is just closed.for maa and baba,they r beyond my doing anything.i wil submit to their wishes & if it makes them happy then that is all that i can do for them.rest i am doing it all for myself kiddo.just for myself & no one else...

Kanna:  I need him bro, not 4 something, but to feel my bro.. Bro do u think i would be able to call out to u, this way bro.. Its just that i thought i was family, but 4 long now.. i told myself that its not happening because i couldnt accept it.. Even now u r making me feel that.. Geuss its time i slap myself .. Nothing abt u.. I m not yet numb bro..

Me:  kiddo ur a part of my really small family.how can u say that ur not.i need u too.i need u too..but my emotions r drained,i am drained.Kiddo i am tired now.YOU ARE A PART OF ME & IF I LOSE U, I WILL BE EMPTIER THAN I ALREADY AM.

I am so lost. I don’t know what to feel. If I could feel anything at all my little sister left me stranded in something even more scarier. Will keep trying…

Will quit writing for now but there is a hell lot more that I was up here for there is so much pent up it is hurting and you are the only one that I can speak to right now!!