What am i doing?

i am so incapable of keeping anyone happy... things change so damn fast and i have become so very slow. Hurt her who i love the most... she cried over lunch today! i just sat and gazed... couldn't say or do anything because i was at fault and there was no denying it. hope this pricks me again and again in the coming days so i am conscious of what i am doing and take care of her happiness. don't know how to change the other factors that hurt her but i can change myself i am sure...

My head.......

head is feeling heavy. the happiness is wearing off and i have no way what so ever to get it back intact. alone in this nite with not a soul for company, i am feeling cold. my nose pricks and soon there is a pain around my eyes as the eyes threaten to burst.
i need arms that can hold me now, shoulders that can comfort me and on which i can rest my head and rest for a while. i am tired. where shall i go?
i am lost i think! what am i doing? where am i? my headache its killing me! i think my eyesight is failing me. just came back from a walk, the roads seem empty and the city seems dead.
should go back home now... its late!
should get back...

Need a break

Ha... i was thinking the heated argument over the half eaten lunch, all the discussion and the India's close call with Aussies in the Twenty20 match had gone to my head. Now i know what it was! It was the load of the hair on my head which had taken away my cool. Now that it’s gone i am feeling so much better... :D

Well the day has been pretty exciting for me with family weight being thrown around with of course my friends being there to witness the scene as i was massacred. Ok after all i am the bad guy so what is the big deal... now my surroundings are all mute and i am having a gala time with myself... YUCK!!! that’s so gay :)

Now that it’s all told i hope that the topic won’t come up in a long time. The wound this time around is quite deep and may it be that way. Sorry folks but i don’t want you meddling and telling me what to do when i do it all for your happiness. i cudnt quite believe how cold i have become when i loved my little baby and in less than half of an hour i was white hot fighting off tears (not mine) and puppy face offensives. Oh, i left my lunch in half that hurt my tummy’s sentiments alot and it retorted with big groans later. Had to feed him a monstrous snicker to quieten him up.

Right now feel like taking another of those tiny magical pills and forget everything but then i can’t... WHY? Guys reading this blog can understand if they are the ones i am speaking to rite now. It was hell lot of a fun to let go of logical thinking. Think the tab still has an effect on my character for seems like i am oblivious of the things happening around me. A tear just a week ago would have torn me to piece and put a weight enough on my back to have me crumble to my knees and beg for forgiveness. Some how that Thursday changed my life (atleast for now it is, unless some how fate decides to take away me or some one else some other place!!!) now i am relieved of the constant headache that plagued me for so long. i won’t forget you dearest headache, you have given me so much trouble in the past month that i have just hoped that my head would burst sometimes and the you would disappear with it. But no, you nagged me on. If i thought that you were gone then you would appear as a dull wind and stroke my skull and remind me of your presence. Atleast someone did not have problem staying with me :)

My friend for 10years now... i called the guy all sorts of dirty names today. That was kind of a revelation to myself. But in the coming days i really got to evaluate if i really meant all that i said! don’t know what got into me but it doesn’t come as a surprise to me as i have been calling a lot of people by various names now a days :)

Something else pissed me off. It was this that there seems to be a lot of information exchange without my knowing about it. i almost felt like a malfunctioning piece of code around which there is a kind of protocol that binds all the codes that surround it and finally make it feel like a kind of alien or say more like a VIRUS!!!

An old friend of mine came over to my place today. Poor guy thought he might put some wisdom into the echoing emptiness of my mind. What he saw here scared the wits out of him. He was so distraught and disoriented(he was not prepared for what he witnessed, not his fault!) that he was not prepared to open his mouth in the closed space of the walls and (i think!) he breathe only after he stepped out of the door :D (funny thought that!!!). it took him a over an hour to recover from the deep impact :)

Need new people in my life. Think its time for the change. Let’s see what can be done about it! I can’t fight with no army of my own. Already have a few people to back me up but that cant be enough. i need more force! Aah, i want something to calm the activity in my head. It seems so unreal and so messed up! Just praying that someone doesn’t land up dead at the end of this ordeal. The complexity of fighting your own, the desire to protect them from your own evil is quite difficult man. Had it been someone else then probably i might be feeding on his guts by this time or having his barbecued brain for dinner.

Its pitch dark around here. Can’t see anyone. This post is the worst of all the ones i wrote. i have no idea as to what i am typing. It’s maddening. My eyes are burning now. i got to play something. That is what i got to do now. then may be i can take my super computing piece of crap, currently doing rounds of the archives of the memories stored in the storage vaults, to rest.

May be shouting on some one will help. Or may be i will call up someone and talk naughty :D and have a good life. I wish i was Calvin, then me and Hobbes could go for a ride on our sledge or go have a dip in the mud in the play ground. Then have a cold bath, grab a beer and have some hot noodles… slurp… hey, i drifted off. i was speaking about myself not Calvin. He doesn’t booze, he a naughty kid. That’s all he is!

i think i just got a name to call up and guess what that is just what i am going to do now :) shit man, this is a trivia but i just discovered something. When i put a smiley “:)” it was replaced by an ugly Microsoft smiley… shucks this sucks, i aint want any smileys in my blog except those which i might draw and put them on :)… aah it got replaced again. Anyway chow! Me gotta go, my vocal cord is screaming and trying to get some attention so that i can give him some exercise and he can rest in peace. Lets see what i can do… come on vokkie… chuk chuk chuk… lets go speak to someone… come on now vokkie, its talky talky time.
Until next time folks, have a great life!

Still happy!

well here i am this morning. cant believe how much i have laughed in the last 24hrs! nothing seemed remotely capable of corrupting my happiness... if it was because i was so elated after the drug or was it just that i had slept well in over a year that nite... i have no idea of the cause.

nothing... i am surprised nothing could touch my happiness... how much have i wanted such a state of euphoria, i have always tried to attain it but never was actually even close to preserving my happiness from myself. i always would want to share the happiness and land up diluting it so much that happiness was happiness no more.

Yesterday when i contained my own happiness and acted as i willed i was happier than ever. everyone i met said i was acting odd but there was no way i felt different. it was like everyday but everything seemed colored in a bluish ting. so everything seemed so much very warm and comforting.

i had lost the sense of beauty in the things that surrounded me. i have just got to finish my work from now and enjoy my life. my life is so good. i don't want to make it any better. hey i watched a movie called "Stranger than fiction." nice movie that... worth a watch :)

i am still feeling happy and smiling. though i have not spoken to anyone but i want to speak and laugh. he he he... naughty me.

what am i going to do today , i have no idea but i just hope feverently that this mood persists. hey, i am not missing my broken mobile too. i had thought that i would miss it by habit but surprisingly while i was typing the first passage of this post, i saw it from the corner of my eye and gave a naughty smile and packed it away to the bottom most drawer of my table to keep my folks guessing its whereabouts. :D i almost rolled over laughing thinking that they must be imagining it on my pocket or under my pillow and mom making sudden and unannounced entries into my room to catch me unaware looking into my phone but failing to find any such evidence.

think that such an activity gave mom some purpose to live and she was so hell bent upon saving the day i mean saving me from "her" tyranny that she almost got happy when she found me doing something related to her. Feel sad for her but at the same time i have this sarcastic smile smudged across my face. OMG i am so mean and down right evil.... great, just the combination i desired. My friend called up and spoke to me about the crap that i am piling away on this page. he actually got inspired enough to write a counter to my postings. well he is on sea rite now so it will be a while before i can actually see his master piece and then wonder what cord i must have struck in him to defend all the Na-Raha-Indian clan.

Me feeling sleepy... Frnds dropping in about 30mins. Let me catch some sleep before i go on a laughter ride again. I think my stomach is going to burst for sure this time over :) hope this wish of mine comes true... oh you thought that i was afraid of my stomach bursting while i laugh. no my darling you got it wrong.... i want it that way :D

P.S.: After breaking my phone i am making quite a few calls from the land line. Hey seems like landline services have improved a hell-alot from the time i started using my cell phone. But the bill i must have accumulated will also be big and i think my folks will kickmass when the grand bill arrives. Well me waiting for the day... ha ha ha... i am getting so EVIL. Me luving it!!!!

I Drugged Myself!!!

i had promised her that when i get drunk or intoxicated then i would come straight to her.... thought that i would fulfill my promise but science showed me my place.... head is feeling so light... drugged after a long time... cant even meet eyes with my folks, feeling very light headed. Cant see what is in front of me... its like a haze. even the very words that i type seem to be whispered in my ears.

last time i remember i had this feeling was way back in my intermediate. Gosh i cant believe i spent half my salary on something so small. yet he had promised that i wouldnt be myself when i take it. i would forget everything. but only that the feelings are coming back strongly. what is happening? called my sister up but she was having her own life...

have to go and have dinner. dont know if i can possibly move from this chair that i sit on now. its a natures grace that they are not at home and i will be long dead before they come back. ah its feeling better afeter i have written these words. now what do i need... i need to eat and sleep. that is all my body desires....

if you cant kill it, break it :D

Stabbed but alive :)

Jealousy and insecurity the biggest weapons that my family finds to use against me. Being pulled away and being pulled towards at the same time just leaves me torn. Each pull tears a little more and it bleeds a little more. Silence is the way of my life but it pains none the less. Life seems pathetic and worthless but today when i saw her life seemed to be renewed. Her scent still lingers in my mind. Wish i could stay with her forever. Everytime i see her i want to make a new start so that i can slavage what life has got to give me! The resolve had just started to melt away and i was being enveloped with a cold i have know since my childhood. For sure i dont like it. It is the only thing i have to come hate! No people, no sour relations but just the cold feeling. COLD, METAL COLD.... It drives my mind into a frenzy and leaves me in no state to think. Yes but i can think now so it must mean that i am winning my fight against my own fears.

Crazy for U!!!

if it drives me crazy then it was because of you
cause i love you so
all the evenings spent in your arms
make me think of the cold walls around me
believe me now, for once listen to me
it was not you that i need now
its your voice that i need
the feel of your fingers in my hair
reach out for me again
find my hand in the darkness
yes they might be cold now
but i will need your warmth
crazy i may be but its all for you!

Kidz n there doubts :)

Kept quite for a few days now thinking that siuations would improve... surprisingly things that seemed to have gone for a spin are getting back into control. Thanks to the varied chat with two of my close friends over the past two weekends has proved to be a better insght into my own personality.
THe talk was very simple but when my little sister asked doubts of life and relationships, my mind scaled it according to the sitauations that i have faced in my life. may be limited but i guessed that it was overwhelming for her to imagine what i must have gone through to be speaking that way :)
not that everything that ever happened to me was bad but it was not a walk in the garden either. well decisions were taken and life moves on :)

I am back...!!!

mobiles charge in a jiffy in these modern age but not human beings... the so-seeming irreversible drain that struck me while undergoing the emotional turmoil seems to have had a not-so-fatal a effect on me after all.
its proof enough that i sit here typing away with no emotion what so ever in my heart to show that me charged! life seems calm as far as i can see... i always used to blame her that she indulges in self imposed isolation... then like everything our relation had taught me, i decided to give it a try! it works like a charm man!!!
ya its more like running away from responsibility and acting like it never existed but it did the trick. gave me my life back... atleast i can smile now and the lines on my head have ceased to exist though my hair line sadly keeps on receding :D
but am i running away from myself... 3 sleepless nites, a broken mobile phone and countless punches on the mute wall later, if anything i think i know i love myself. what a self centered homosapien this, u think but then that is what i am!
Those who know me closely know i always say these line[some say its my favorite piece of literature...hmmm], i say, "For those who leave, its a new place, new people and a new life. Its a challenge everyday so they forget the pain of leaving those who remain to see them leaving.
But for those who remain its the same life, same day and same nite, the same group of people but all minus U. when you leave there is nothing to remind you of the times spent in the past but for those who remain every minute is a reminder of the missing U. every place that we were together and every thing that we did. Now that those times are gone the ghost haunts! so it pains those who remain!!!"
now thinking that may be all that i said was crap! its only that you have to let go and start living! there is so much beyond the pangs of pain that arise in the heart of those left behind... there is all the world waiting which we were blinded to when she was in front!
hey who said that i am speaking about her :D its about me... it will take time coz she is a part of what i am. but then though there are a thousand pieces of me to join i am trying to leave out the pieces with her name on them. The gaping hole in my soul will be big enough to see but thinking that smaller and delicate voids have been filled before... this must take time but surely its going away too :)

me back :)

hey remember me... promised myself that i will change and that the people i know will see a new me... well an essential part of me was still the olderer me so got derailed :D
well now after another punch on my NUT-HEAD, me is back to work...

What am i doing?

it was a rather long week end with ailments chasing me to bed and then finally leaving me with gifts of physical pain and agony. well it will all go as everything does in my case :)
On Sunday afternoon my neighbor's mom who is about 60years old took ill and there was no one there who could make her agree to go to the hospital. mom said that i was like her son and then i got one of the most painful of look that i have seen in my life time. she said, "ya, now that my son and daughter are gone, he must be my son...". it was painful for her... i could see that. she was having trouble breathing and she hadn't slept in 4 days. finally on my persuasion she agreed to go to the hospital.
on reaching the hospital, once she was a little relaxed she called me by her son's name. it hurt to see her in such a pathetic situation. then my thoughts immediately turned to my own home. all these years i tried to be near mom and dad. tried looking after them inspite of all the parent-child conflicts that be have between us... but for how long... i will go away one day then what?who will look after my ma & pa! what happens if i do something happens to me who will take care of them and see to it that they are OK?
aah... its too scary to think about! got to go... will game today or take ma & pa to auntie at the hospital and again start working on my MS thesis from tomorrow.

what is it?

correct or wrong?
love or illusion?
companionship or betrayal?
blessing or mistake?
mine or "i thought so!"?
why do i feel so miserable? is it the same there? why am i choking with every word i say? why does my head feel light?
why did i leave no options for myself? why did i believe her so much!!!

Do You Know

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.

If birds flying south is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year.
Love, you never know the minute it ends suddenly
I can’t get it to speak
Maybe finding all the things it took to save us
I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes to see something about me
I’m standing on the edge and I don’t know what else to give.

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.

How can I love you How can I love you How can I love you How can I love you . . . .

If you just don’t talk to me, babe.

I flow through my act
The question is she needed
And decide all the man I can ever be.
Looking at the last 3 years like I did,
I could never see us ending like this.
Seeing your face no more on my pillow
Is a scene that’s never happened to me.
But after this episode I don’t see, you could never tell the next thing life could be

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.

Do you know,
Do you know,
Do you know,

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.

i want to cry

In another hour it will be 36hrs since it ended. 5years of companionship and it all had to be over in a matter of minute. life seems so lifeless!
It seems like i am looking at everything through a haze. when some stands in front of me, it seems like there is a veil between us. when i speak it seems like some in front of a transparent veil is speaking. the mind seems so light.almost like the blood has drained from it and my mind incapacitated. thoughts incoherent and memories sudden and vivid are running across the glazed eye all day. the last day seemed so long. meaningless thought float through my mind and eye drifted more than once from what i was trying to work upon. still in the same state but things seem to have improved. or so i am thinking.
Just the pain remains. just the ache deep inside my chest and on the lines of heart that run across my hands... the pain to which i can associate no other name but your's.
Feel all broken and i don't know what to do or for that matter what to think about! hoping that in the coming days i will feel better. if this ordeal is true then at the other end of it you would be missing my love. there is a burning sensation right behind my eye and the eye balls feel warm. remember you had told me that i have everyone here while you have none. you were right. i have all the people in the world to share my smile with but none for my tears. now not even you.

Those were good days :)

Remember the days when we would cry and plead not to be sent to the school. Nostalgia engulfed me for better part of my journey to the office today! Couldn't remember why my stomach crunched under the immense feeling of doom and why the feeling disappeared as soon as i stepped inside the school premises.
Why did the shades in the school felt cooler than what they felt elsewhere and why the sun in the school was warmer than what it felt elsewhere, i will never know! Never enjoyed school... was always haunted by a feeling of inferiority though i knew that i was better than at least 90% [common don't make faces or laugh, i am being modest] of the crowd that was pretending to be present and attentive :D
If i ever liked school it was for the wrong reasons. But just when i thought that i was starting to enjoy school[again for the wrong reason] it ended. It ended well and i mercifully passed[God bless the poor souls who corrected my Hindi and Sanskrit paper].
I just feel like walking through the galleries once more, hear those faint voices of teachers in those empty corridors when we knelled there for having done some mischief. those were good days!

A wish for a new life!

It's been so long since i have been appreciated for being there... its not like i carve for praises to be showered upon me but then sometimes it just requires the assurance that people are aware of your existence.
Day after day it gets down to the same thing... people close to me thinking about some else though physically present near me. it hurts, believe me or not. first i thought that it was just that i was being selfish. it was ok... i even persuaded my mind and heart to believe that all was fine and it is a passing phase. it worked fine. but the day after day of sloshing of words about others on my sand castle finally got it down.flat upon the ground.now it feels good when someone calls me their own. but it scares me to know that separation is near and soon enough the perception is going to change. They ask me why i care about someone else?Why shouldn't i when he or she is taking care of me. i never asked you anything other than love from you but you had to waste it someone who was not worth it and didn't give you a damn when you needed him the most. but i was always there! but no one could see... no one.tell them and you you get a warm hug and some words of honey.but thats not enough to melt the ice that has gathered in all these days... and they might not believe it but each of there word feeds the ice and just makes it thicker, colder and stronger.
i wish i could get a new life... away from these people so that i can start it afresh. i want no one in my life right now.no one. i just wish for a new life!