smile and keep going on...

Call it a sad day or may be i have the ultimate capability to turn the silliest of things into a reason to crib. May be i should rename this blog cribberlife rather than use my name for it. i used to think that it is for the people who have hit their mid-age crisis to behave like this but i think i have it in my genes.
pain is coursing through my body and my mind is at a thousand places all at once. i am disturbed and the word itself does nothing to describe how fragmented i feel. my world is disintegrating. yes its her life and it is taking her places. oh god i cant put in words how proud i feel, overwhelmed with a warm feeling of an achievement, the buzz of success. But with it i feel the deep ring of fear. the fear of lose. i hate America for the fact that it has taken away the best of my life. It took things from me and even if it did return it to me - it was way too damaged to be salvaged. And so i am scared.
Also i am scared because i will not be able to assimilate and understand the circumstances as i can here. Now the settings are pretty much the same. But later it will be different, way too different, 'continentally' different. Will i still be... hmm... of any use. i can't think of anything. i know i will feel my way through it but at this moment the task seems very daunting. i don't want to lose her. She is the last person i hold dear to myself. i know this is the only way her life is going to bloom and i know that i have to let go. But it pains, i am bleeding and i want to scream. 

i will smile and keep going on...

Fight Alone!

i hold on the phone,
even after you'r gone,
i don't know what words i'm waiting for...

the void comes alive,
screaming that it's all lies,
i don't know what i believe in anymore...

Wish you a happy birthday dadabhai...

the line

why did you say what you said today. i hate the line so much it makes me want to never see you again. why...

a new life...

Heard the news today... am numb. Somewhere there is something that seems to be bubbling up! Happiness maybe, you know that feeling of glee and warmth that washes over you and you feel like the corner of your lips are turning up at their own will, well something like that. Then there is this other part to the bubbling inside me. The painful one! It is a continuous stab at the same place where i am feeling the happiness. Confusing! Eh, i know, tell me about it, i am feeling it. My eyes feel like they are being pricked and my throat feels like it has suddenly had a concrete well erected inside it. It is choking me.
But now i know the emotion that won. Happiness, a little sadness rides along just so that i am fair to that emotion too. I can't believe you are giving birth to a new life, oh, if only i could have been their to witness such an event. Oh even writing this, makes me think of that twinkle that must be in your eye. So happy you must be. I can't be their but i can wish you luck and happiness. May good times always be by your budding families' side. Take care my dearest friend.

11:21 PM 2/5/2012

don't know where those days have disappeared. sometimes i get the doubt now, if they existed in the first place. laughs were rare but as the days go by they are just getting more and more scarce. have no where to look to as always. every relation i know seems to value themselves more than the other half. starting to question the sanity and validity of the very relations that define me.

want to walk the path of destruction, move on, leave everything, move away. Never said it aloud but God if you exist, please take me away. I am suffocating in this labyrinth of life. i want to go. i don't know if i will be missed and i don't care. i know for one that i wont miss anything that i leave behind.

people move to new places, people meet new people. i want to do the same. move. meet. i want to be normal or what i think is normal. head feels so heavy and i feel so low. now, i think, i know how people contemplate ending themselves when things get lower. No i am not suicidal just a fleeting thought that got captured.

somebody asked me once, if i won't feel pity for the people and the memories that i will leave behind. i wish i could go back in time and tell them that i pity myself more now and it is killing me to be host to their parasitic desires and aspirations.

what i need now - travel, people i don't know, complete disconnection, abandon!

GOD

In the comments below can you leave me the name of the God you follow & who grants you things once in a while... Mine doesn't...