(^.^) HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010 (^.^)

Never posted more than 8 article in a single month. Yeeeaaaah... sadly there is no one to share it with! Sharing with myself the family postcard that i made for the new year :) 
Happy New Year Maa, Baba!
Happy New Year Dadabhai!
Happy New Year Swapi, Kiddo!
Happy New Year Raj, Atul!

Sorry Kiddo...

Feeling very bad. So far away from someone i considered my own flesh-n-blood. The pain is so great and no one to share that its killing me. i did tell Swapna, (for the first time she was against what i had done, though she had always said that the intimacy between me and Kanna was more than necessary) but then that did not lessen the pain.
Hope she is better. i am crippled as i step into the new year and i am starting something new by losing out on someone so close. Miss you Kiddo. Sorry i hurt you so much.

Did i do something wrong?

Which category do you place this question - confession, asking for someone’s well-being, plain insulting, ignorance!!
Time and again when i go into my infamous silence mode, where i am generally pissed off and whamming-banging anything that stands in front of me, people (supposedly) close to me, pose this question and expect a blunt edged answer to it. But most of the times they are met with a grave silence as a warning not to piss me off further.
This silence is something not many can fathom; it’s surprising how people who expect me to guess what their silence means fail to understand what it means to me. Guess what, it means i am screaming... it’s a blood curling scream, a wild scream, an animal’s scream, a scream in anguish, a scream of agony, a scream - my scream! My voice is taken away from me when you guys accuse me but what do i say when i want to accuse you, when i want to hurt you, when i want to go away from you!
Why am i so helpless when it comes to you guys, i am feeling strangled with the love i feel for you, helpless, angered, in pain! Am i lashing out for i feel that everything between us is going to end.

Every Man for Himself...

People say that as you reach the twilight of your life, you start to realize that you ran after the wrong things and wait for the wrong people. I have not even reached the zenith of my life and i already get the feeling that may be i am not doing things right. Have i invested my feelings and my time in people who do not appreciate it, people who can't do without it (or so they think)?
When i got the feeling that i was just a filler of void it hurt me. Void created from waiting in the corridor for the food to arrive, a break to stretch the neck and have no one to speak to, bored, nothing to do, in pain and no one to understand. What is it?
I get accused at times for being someone who doesn't call up, but i do. When i start doing it, people tell me - they forget so i should keep calling. When i call, i am asked to speak. Did any of you guys think that i feel like a telephone operator, a slave to your whims and wish? Don't you guys realize that sometimes even i feel like speaking and be heard? Didn't you ever get the feeling that may be i was waiting all day?
No one does.
It's truly said - "Every man is for Himself!" Only that i was too naive to understand. Even though i have comprehended the message, i guess i will remain an object for you guys for you make my life and then how long is it going to last anyway???

What do i want....

As you hurt me today, yet again, i started to think and crib as any disgruntled male in my situation would. what i was asking for was your understanding. Understanding so that you would adopt my point of view, sympathize with me and continue to accept and love me the way i am.
but then i realized what you were doing was just a natural reflex, since i was not helping you be with me, you were accepting and as they say it going with the flow. what was i cribbing about when it is you who is in pain. you don't even cry any more. the tears which i sometimes thought were just to get your way with me is what i miss the most some times. the moisture in your eyes, the streaks where the tears had dried up, the wet cheek, wet where the tears had just rolled by and then were smothered by  my kisses. miss those days when i would brush the hair out of your eyes and hold you knowing in my heart that what ever it was if you were with me then i could make it right, set things to order.
but gone are those days... do i miss them and do i want them back. want back those days when i would be able to see the dreamy look in your eyes, the shy smile, the bold talk, the hesistation followed by a nervous yes when trying something new. yes i do miss them, but do i want them for ever!
when i wake up on these cold december mornings, i think how good it would be if i had your warm body by mine, me carelessly warped around you, feel your cold hands on my chest... would these dreams cease to exist if you were mine. will they whilt and die out or will they transpier into something more beautiful and addictive.
yes you are addictive, very addictive. sometimes i feel that i cannot make it through another day without you but then i have spent so many days away from you. what harm would it do to spend a lifetime away from you, will it kill me. truth is: i dont know, i can think of the worst or the best possible but i am not sure. you are a fatal desire and so i dont know if i want you or not.
when i was waiting for you today so that i could hear your voice i started imagining myself as you, waiting for me the way you do, looking at me as i walked away, waiting for a hug as you stood there not expecting it, crying and hoping that i would comeback, waiting to be held once as i hurled insults and painful words at you, facing all the problems and still meeting me with a smile. it broke me, made me feel so small and insignificant. i do nothing compared to what you are doing and bearing for me right now. you have the courage to let people decide your fate cause they own you while you keep loving me boldly. but for what... nothing. why do you want me baby?
why do i want you? why dont i want you?
i am troubled and not able to find an answer. i am sorry baby. i am so sorry. wish i could bring you real happiness, forgive me.

As you went away!

A textual rendition of a voice recording made on a lonely drive back home after bidding farewell to a dear one.

I do not know how they give you away... Decide a definitive time when you will leave them. Go away, may be forever. 

I couldn't!! I cried, I cried my heart out. 

It's painful you know... In travelling the streets that we travelled together. Looking in the rear-view mirror, thinking that if i looked hard enough maybe i could see you in the darkness, smiling back at me.

I don't know. I am not sure of myself any longer. "Wanted you so much! Why aren't you mine?", is a question that lingers now.

In a night when i would never expect to be with you, this silly mind hopes that you should be with me, as you travel far away. How far i do not know but my heart surely feels the distance. It's painful, I really do not know how to let you go! I couldn't, I never will be able to... Love you!

- June 15 2009 - As you went away!

 Love you all... Hope we all stay together! Woo... that is such a naive thought!

High Speed On The Highway On a Bike...

Still remember that foolish look on my face. There i stood after being forced by maa to take part in the English elocution competition. Not very sure why i succumbed, may be it was to impress her but sure enough she stood there staring at me. can see the bright sun behind her as people milled around lazily behind her, there she stood wide black eyes dressed in her light yellow dress. It was not the anticipation of what was going to happen(which was sure to be a disaster!) or the fear of walking to the stage, it was her eyes. it's only recently that i have had courage to look into those deep dark eyes but then in those days it used to send my heart pounding.
I guy in front of me was blah-blahing about "Euthanasia". I did not even know then what it meant. now the fear crept into me. i thought, "what if i get a topic, i hadnt even heard of! what will she think!". I panicked and i looked around for help, the idea of darting away from the stage crossed my mind more than once but my legs had turned into lead. My name was called out and i was to pick out a chit from a Goldfish bowl!! As i saw the bowl it reminded me of a fact that Goldfish have a memory of less than 3 seconds (No offense meant Mr. Goldfish, hope you remember that it has been proven to be a myth), i just hoped that people had an equally bad memory (again no offense meant!) and would soon forget the mess, that's me! Well i made the dip and the crumpled paper said "High Speed On The Highway On a Bike "!
I took a step to the podium and kept staring into her eyes. it was a strange sensation but it felt so good. it used to happen a lot then but then a lot used to happen in those lost glorious days of adolescence. i started to speak and it was no more than a squeak!! Eeeeekkkkkkkssss! What's happening....
While my mind dealt with the visual confusion and lingual inability, my heart was soaring on a gleaming machine in a different dimensional plane. there she was in a flowing white dress, seated behind me. The roads lined with greenery were a blur as we swooshed by them. the sky was bright and the wind scented. there was a breeze not the roaring wind. there was no adrenaline but there was a kind of romance in the scene that my heart had conjured as i looked deep into her eyes. I was so wound up in this world of my own that i missed out on what words my poor helpless tongue was trying to form. When the time was up, i saw her walking away.
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I have no idea what made me write this today while she is far away, happy with someone else. No i did not have a tragic romantic entanglement with her, she was not that desperate... Hahaha... nor am i going to reveal who she was but do pray that she is happy in the life that she is so passionately making for herself.
Well what i can do tell you is what reminded me of this particular incident. As i made my way back from office last Thursday(17 December 2009), i was as usual cursing the bad traffic sense of people in Hyderabad (It's not bad, its freakingly f**ked up!), i had to slow down with all the traffic at the bottleneck near Khairatabad. The bottle neck exists due to a temple that just wont give up for the common good of all its devotees in the name of secular freedom. I chucked out all my traffic sense and got involved in a chase after a scooter snuggled up to my car door and left a lipless sneer on it. I was dishing out a carefully chosen platter of blasphemistic expletives to the Michelangelo when my eyes rested on a kid standing at the outer gate of the the temple beside her father as her (i wrote their but i guess she was sure daddy had bought it for her) bike got baptized. In her eyes, as she looked at her worldly possession, i saw the look that i had seen when she had her eyes upon me. A look of intrigue as she looked upon the her future which she was sure held promise!
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An excerpt from my diary -

I met her eyes and the dying flames under the ember and ash leapt high once more... [12th October, 2002]

 And ya, she landed up in the evening wearing a exquisite white dress :) Still remember that it had made my day :)

Random thoughts!

Everyday you will see people so in love, so separated from their loved ones. then you will see people who are in a relation and they are cribbing. how can it be such a world of contrast? people always cribbing about what they dont have and yet not enjoying what they carved for so much a while ago in their lives.
i am trying to enjoy my life as it is now but people tell me that i am fooling myself. what is wrong about fooling myself if it feels good... tears will follow but what is wrong is smiling when tears are something that i cant escape! it makes me happy to see people smile when they act possessive about their loved ones and act bitchy so that they can bask in their attention. where does all of this go, where does it get lost! are we moving too fast... the love, the feeling of belonging, the feeling of time passing too soon, the feeling of being loved, the feeling of their breath on our cheek as they held us close, the feeling of their fingers in our hair as they roughed up our hair! miss those days! miss what i was then...

A few crazy things that people told me this week...

1) he could have fked me if he wanted but then it would just be friendly fk!!
2) i spent less time in the game than what i spent trying to buy a shoe to play in it.
3) i guess i want to get married that is why i am not serious about anything in life right now.
4) I will sponsor the ticket to KL rest you take care. :)
5) ... there is no hope but let us not give up hope for there might still be some hope...
Guess more will come as life goes on...