it was a rather long week end with ailments chasing me to bed and then finally leaving me with gifts of physical pain and agony. well it will all go as everything does in my case :)
On Sunday afternoon my neighbor's mom who is about 60years old took ill and there was no one there who could make her agree to go to the hospital. mom said that i was like her son and then i got one of the most painful of look that i have seen in my life time. she said, "ya, now that my son and daughter are gone, he must be my son...". it was painful for her... i could see that. she was having trouble breathing and she hadn't slept in 4 days. finally on my persuasion she agreed to go to the hospital.
on reaching the hospital, once she was a little relaxed she called me by her son's name. it hurt to see her in such a pathetic situation. then my thoughts immediately turned to my own home. all these years i tried to be near mom and dad. tried looking after them inspite of all the parent-child conflicts that be have between us... but for how long... i will go away one day then what?who will look after my ma & pa! what happens if i do something happens to me who will take care of them and see to it that they are OK?
aah... its too scary to think about! got to go... will game today or take ma & pa to auntie at the hospital and again start working on my MS thesis from tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
what is it?
correct or wrong?
love or illusion?
companionship or betrayal?
blessing or mistake?
mine or "i thought so!"?
why do i feel so miserable? is it the same there? why am i choking with every word i say? why does my head feel light?
why did i leave no options for myself? why did i believe her so much!!!
love or illusion?
companionship or betrayal?
blessing or mistake?
mine or "i thought so!"?
why do i feel so miserable? is it the same there? why am i choking with every word i say? why does my head feel light?
why did i leave no options for myself? why did i believe her so much!!!
Do You Know
Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.
If birds flying south is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year.
Love, you never know the minute it ends suddenly
I can’t get it to speak
Maybe finding all the things it took to save us
I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes to see something about me
I’m standing on the edge and I don’t know what else to give.
Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.
How can I love you How can I love you How can I love you How can I love you . . . .
If you just don’t talk to me, babe.
I flow through my act
The question is she needed
And decide all the man I can ever be.
Looking at the last 3 years like I did,
I could never see us ending like this.
Seeing your face no more on my pillow
Is a scene that’s never happened to me.
But after this episode I don’t see, you could never tell the next thing life could be
Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.
Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.
Do you know,
Do you know,
Do you know,
Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.
If birds flying south is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year.
Love, you never know the minute it ends suddenly
I can’t get it to speak
Maybe finding all the things it took to save us
I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes to see something about me
I’m standing on the edge and I don’t know what else to give.
Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.
How can I love you How can I love you How can I love you How can I love you . . . .
If you just don’t talk to me, babe.
I flow through my act
The question is she needed
And decide all the man I can ever be.
Looking at the last 3 years like I did,
I could never see us ending like this.
Seeing your face no more on my pillow
Is a scene that’s never happened to me.
But after this episode I don’t see, you could never tell the next thing life could be
Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.
Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.
Do you know,
Do you know,
Do you know,
Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
i want to cry
In another hour it will be 36hrs since it ended. 5years of companionship and it all had to be over in a matter of minute. life seems so lifeless!
It seems like i am looking at everything through a haze. when some stands in front of me, it seems like there is a veil between us. when i speak it seems like some in front of a transparent veil is speaking. the mind seems so light.almost like the blood has drained from it and my mind incapacitated. thoughts incoherent and memories sudden and vivid are running across the glazed eye all day. the last day seemed so long. meaningless thought float through my mind and eye drifted more than once from what i was trying to work upon. still in the same state but things seem to have improved. or so i am thinking.
Just the pain remains. just the ache deep inside my chest and on the lines of heart that run across my hands... the pain to which i can associate no other name but your's.
Feel all broken and i don't know what to do or for that matter what to think about! hoping that in the coming days i will feel better. if this ordeal is true then at the other end of it you would be missing my love. there is a burning sensation right behind my eye and the eye balls feel warm. remember you had told me that i have everyone here while you have none. you were right. i have all the people in the world to share my smile with but none for my tears. now not even you.
It seems like i am looking at everything through a haze. when some stands in front of me, it seems like there is a veil between us. when i speak it seems like some in front of a transparent veil is speaking. the mind seems so light.almost like the blood has drained from it and my mind incapacitated. thoughts incoherent and memories sudden and vivid are running across the glazed eye all day. the last day seemed so long. meaningless thought float through my mind and eye drifted more than once from what i was trying to work upon. still in the same state but things seem to have improved. or so i am thinking.
Just the pain remains. just the ache deep inside my chest and on the lines of heart that run across my hands... the pain to which i can associate no other name but your's.
Feel all broken and i don't know what to do or for that matter what to think about! hoping that in the coming days i will feel better. if this ordeal is true then at the other end of it you would be missing my love. there is a burning sensation right behind my eye and the eye balls feel warm. remember you had told me that i have everyone here while you have none. you were right. i have all the people in the world to share my smile with but none for my tears. now not even you.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Those were good days :)
Remember the days when we would cry and plead not to be sent to the school. Nostalgia engulfed me for better part of my journey to the office today! Couldn't remember why my stomach crunched under the immense feeling of doom and why the feeling disappeared as soon as i stepped inside the school premises.
Why did the shades in the school felt cooler than what they felt elsewhere and why the sun in the school was warmer than what it felt elsewhere, i will never know! Never enjoyed school... was always haunted by a feeling of inferiority though i knew that i was better than at least 90% [common don't make faces or laugh, i am being modest] of the crowd that was pretending to be present and attentive :D
If i ever liked school it was for the wrong reasons. But just when i thought that i was starting to enjoy school[again for the wrong reason] it ended. It ended well and i mercifully passed[God bless the poor souls who corrected my Hindi and Sanskrit paper].
I just feel like walking through the galleries once more, hear those faint voices of teachers in those empty corridors when we knelled there for having done some mischief. those were good days!
Monday, July 16, 2007
A wish for a new life!
It's been so long since i have been appreciated for being there... its not like i carve for praises to be showered upon me but then sometimes it just requires the assurance that people are aware of your existence.
Day after day it gets down to the same thing... people close to me thinking about some else though physically present near me. it hurts, believe me or not. first i thought that it was just that i was being selfish. it was ok... i even persuaded my mind and heart to believe that all was fine and it is a passing phase. it worked fine. but the day after day of sloshing of words about others on my sand castle finally got it down.flat upon the ground.now it feels good when someone calls me their own. but it scares me to know that separation is near and soon enough the perception is going to change. They ask me why i care about someone else?Why shouldn't i when he or she is taking care of me. i never asked you anything other than love from you but you had to waste it someone who was not worth it and didn't give you a damn when you needed him the most. but i was always there! but no one could see... no one.tell them and you you get a warm hug and some words of honey.but thats not enough to melt the ice that has gathered in all these days... and they might not believe it but each of there word feeds the ice and just makes it thicker, colder and stronger.
i wish i could get a new life... away from these people so that i can start it afresh. i want no one in my life right now.no one. i just wish for a new life!
Day after day it gets down to the same thing... people close to me thinking about some else though physically present near me. it hurts, believe me or not. first i thought that it was just that i was being selfish. it was ok... i even persuaded my mind and heart to believe that all was fine and it is a passing phase. it worked fine. but the day after day of sloshing of words about others on my sand castle finally got it down.flat upon the ground.now it feels good when someone calls me their own. but it scares me to know that separation is near and soon enough the perception is going to change. They ask me why i care about someone else?Why shouldn't i when he or she is taking care of me. i never asked you anything other than love from you but you had to waste it someone who was not worth it and didn't give you a damn when you needed him the most. but i was always there! but no one could see... no one.tell them and you you get a warm hug and some words of honey.but thats not enough to melt the ice that has gathered in all these days... and they might not believe it but each of there word feeds the ice and just makes it thicker, colder and stronger.
i wish i could get a new life... away from these people so that i can start it afresh. i want no one in my life right now.no one. i just wish for a new life!
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