Oh f**k it hurts!!

Something inside me is churning my feelings and getting me all confused and lost. Is it because I miss you? I can’t associate with another person like I used to earlier. There is this anger which is pent up inside me. Is it just the heat from all the heart burn that I kept inside me? The people I loved the most don’t seem to matter, what went wrong? They are not at fault, they are surely not. It is all me. Will I never lead a normal life. The more I try to tear away from the past and walk away the more it catches up with me. The more I look away, life makes it a point to bring me back in a full cycle and have me staring in the eyes of the past that I so much try to avoid.
Kanna I am so sorry that I fought with you. I didn’t mean to. But I don’t even have anyone else to express my love to. You are the only one and you have not been around. May be I felt a little dejected. Don’t know what I felt but surely it was my fault. Must have hurt you bad and now we both are paying the price for it. So wish that I could come to you and be with you.

***
 

I have to go. I have to be on the move. I have to find a new me. This is not working out and it is not your fault or your doing. I was to embark on this journey a long time ago. Always wanted to. My soul is not at peace. I have to go. I have to go before I am gone forever with the suffocation that I feel. I have no bonds left to hold me back. I don’t think so. If I have any left I shall know when I start to move. For now I have to start.

You have been forgotten…

My thoughts have been crammed full with feelings of separation and pain for quite a few months. With a recent separation which almost killed me and another slow deprivation threatening to blow itself away into complete oblivion (and kill me for sure), I am tired and looking to turn my life around. But adding injury to the still raw wound is you. I thought I hated you and didn’t want to think about you. But with depleting relations and empty hallways, I am looking at every nook and corner of my life trying to find something to hold on to. I am desperate.
I don’t know what got me thinking of you. Don’t remember where the train of thoughts started but the feeling that every one of us has forgotten you passed through my mind and I felt it like a stab of cold metal passing right through my chest. No one speaks of you anymore; your name is like the name of a forbidden cult which can’t be taken with the poisonous air suffocating most of those involved in the conversation. But even your name has been buried deep within, with me not having heard it in years till a friend of mine spoke of you. Your clothes have long since been discarded. The papers you wrote in burnt or directed to the refuse. I can scarcely remember your face.
Nowadays I question myself about what we used to speak about, what we used to fight about, what did we conspire in all those long summer afternoons. Sometimes you feel like a great lose to me and sometimes I feel that I had managed alone even before you left. But it is not that I needed something from you, I needed you to be around. Getting very tired. Not able to move on with life. Have a few hard decisions to make and I don’t know who I should speak to or who I should confer. Thoughts always turn to you, my eyes look for you but seems like it has been like everyone has buried you eons ago. Like you have been forgotten…