It's cold...

Couldn’t sit at my seat any longer. Was not able to take the incessant blast of cold air down my neck. Had to search for something warm. Walked to my favorite spot in the office. The huge window which engulfed half the naked concrete city into its embrace. Yes it was warm here. Could feel the sun on my skin though the rays were bouncing off the skeleton of a huge structure coming up next to my place of work.
The view of the silent city, accompanied by the heavy and laborious breathing of the air conditioning system broken by its own thunderous roar as it cranked gears, might soon be lost as the skeleton structure, next to the building where i stood, put on skin of concrete or i might be long gone! Here it is warmer than the other places in the office and i come here when the cold creeps deep into my bones but today i feel cold, desolate and lonely!
My eyes wander the horizon aimlessly, i look from one structure to another as if one of them would raise an arm as we used to as children in a class. That bubbling enthusiasm is something that i am dying to experience again. But something else is killing me now.
The while of the air conditioning system is slowly dying out but it still breaths laboriously. It almost feels like its sleeping. As my eyes strain to see smaller structures in the distant skyline checking for telltale signs of life, my mind is conjuring sounds of approaching footsteps, laughter and screaming kids. i turn around each time the din in my head grows loud enough and sure enough the sound dies out as if i were in a vessel sailing away fast from all the fanfare at the shore.
No the warmth from the sun is not enough today to drive the chill from my skin. I feel... umm... insecure, may be for the first of many times that are to come. Now i know how those thousands had felt when their work place just shut the doors on them. No it is not that bad yet for me but my stomach churns with the thought of what it might be this time tomorrow.
Very lonely and scared but i know there is no one in this world who can console and support me now. I don’t want to seek one now. i guess it will be me and the city in slumber under the October’s lazy afternoon sun and the laborious breathing of the air conditioning system.

The Wall...

10 minutes ago while taking bath (one of the most delayed bath in my life time i guess to date) and out of nowhere materialized in my mind "A WALL". where it came from and why i don’t know but this wall i knew. i have known it all my childhood but why now. what was my mind thinking about? i tried to reason.

this was the wall which stood as a sign of something that i could never cross, never conquer, it was just a sign of wait. as my elder siblings just took off and i waited on the same side, staring at the breaking off tar layer, the shoots of a tree that never made it, the flutter in my stomach as i heard all of them squeal. i so longed to just look over.

one day i thought that i had grown enough and i tried. tried to go over while i was alone, never thought how i would come back, that is if i could ever make it in the first place. scratched and a painful bum was all that i had left when i entered home that night.

but why did i see it today? was there anything that it symbolizes today in my life? i did cross the hurdle, i did get across but why today?

Surprised! There are so few of them out here... but they are mine!

How do i land up surprising myself every time i think that nothing can scathe me let alone hurt me... but can't really say that, can i? these people that i speak of here are all that i have left. it might be surprising that such a small communion of people take up all my life.
Life seems so content, at this moment. A loving mother, a dotting father, the love of my life so close to me & a sister who is nothing less than my life herself. It can keep this illusion up for a while if i tried hard enough but then my mind fatigues and just gives up shatters the fragile string of images into a million pieces. Not that the love won't stay but it will fade for sure and will be lost. i am happy about all the love that i am getting at this moment but what hurts is the prospect of all of it being snatched away in moments when i am the weakest.
Yes, i will live again and i will be up and smiling. Yes all will be fine and there will be things that will be of greater importance and urgency at a later point of time but i wanted to put what i was feeling now so that later when i see this note, i remember what life was and what i had. for the future that will be a present some time to remind me all that i have at present that will soon be the past.


love you ma
love you baba
love you dadabhai
love you swapna
love you kanna
love you all...


P.S.: There are other people who are worth a mention and who are really special and who i love but though i can't quantize what i feel but surely its less. Raj, Atul, Sreeti, Roma & Tuki. Love you guys too. May it will be very late by the time you see this post or you might just not see it ever but i will love you. i know i will because i always have whether you were near or far!