Photoshoot after effects :D

Seven years since i had stepped into Aruna studio to take a picture. Times were so different. A happy family to a handicapped one. Anyway the evening was a very happy one. So many colors, kids dressed in cute colors running around as photographers ran behind them to get the best shot. So badly to wanted to have a camera in my hand so that i could capture moments of my own. A strange question which had an obvious answer was asked today, however i find it worthwhile to mention it here because it just doesn't leave my mind, "Yeah photograph kaunse passport ke liye chahiye?" Now now do we look like Japaneses or something!! There was another very funny thing, it was tagged "Proposal Photograph Package". I had guessed it right when i read it first, seemed funny with the line underneath saying, "Rs. 500/- with make up and CD to send photographs online!" Hahahaaa...

Giving away a smile...

It is not the most difficult thing in this world to make your folks smile. The difficult thing is to keep them that way. Today with nothing to do and no little sister to take out and pamper, I spent well tried to spend the day with my beloved Maa and Baba.

Morning was rather the usual but more than ever Maa and I were talking. It has been long that i have let my inhibitions drop and spoken to Maa. There is nothing that stops me other than me, myself but there are always walls that seem to appear in my mind and bound my conversations with her.

I dozed off in the evening which was a rare occurrence and it felt good. Now i have some time to scribble in you :) Evening was better than i thought. Sang some love odes to my beloved and then we took off to do some shopping. If you thought that shopping has therapeutic value only for women then think again. As i have said time and again, you can buy happiness for money.

The two hour shopping spree cost me close to 20,000INR but then i was smiling looking at Maa and Baba smile :) This state of numbness for once forced me to look out for myself and you know what i finally bought a pair of shades for myself!(Photos in a while) Happy that i did... bought Baba his costliest pair of shoes yet and Maa her costliest sandals! But they were smiling... Oh ya we had ventured out to buy me lenses and that we ordered. Delivery on Wednesday.

Maa was game to everything while Baba and i fought over who was going to pay the bill. It was so much fun. 

Ended the day with a late night dinner followed by glass full mango juice and an hours talk with Deep, my dear Deep! Sleepy now. Better hit the sack or i wont wake up tomorrow :D Goodnite...

Why I feel like a loser…

Time and again I feel like I have not done anything substantial with my life. Looking back at the conscious 12 or so years of my life when I should be sheering through high tides and challenging mountains, I spent it away drifting in the wind.

Of late, I started to make an account of all that I had in my life. Yeah yeah I know. I have done that many times over but this time I wanted to do it differently. I wanted to look at everything as if I didn’t care and as if I was cleaning out my closet. I started with big things that matter the most in my life. The people around me. Had to do a make sure that I was prepared to go ahead with all of it so thought of putting it to test. Well it worked but the torrent of questions and accusations was endless and close to unbearable. But the relations didn’t matter so was an easy matter to brush aside. Just when I thought that I had finished cleaning up and was more torn than I cared to admit, something hit me through my tattered emotions.

Many years later when I am reading this post I am sure that this will sound funny but I have this one question – “Does distance make you more important? Or is it a sign of achievement because they have moved out and survived it all!” These questions arose when I was speaking to my life, my sister. We were on a call after not having spoken to each other for over 2days (this was a rare occurrence before but now this a regular story) and five minutes into the call Harsh called her. She said in a voice of urgency, Harsha anna is calling and I let her go. I kept thinking after that (while I was actually suppose to be working on something f**king important, which I left incomplete and caused quite a fuss at work!!) “Why did she cut my call? Was my call not important to her? Is it because he is away he is more important that I am? Does he give her more than what I can? Will she even call back?” Well the call never came. Yes she had messaged asking me what I was doing but the damned network never delivered it to my mobile. I so wanted to question her and ask her for answers but I was scared. I was scared because I love her so much that any reason would do and I would jump again like a happy puppy. I was scared of getting hurt again. That evening when she came home, I hugged her and hugged her again tight. I was scared. She never realized it.

Two more days passed and I had gone back to my state of numbness with quite a lot of crap being slingshot at one another at office and me getting into a tiff with the senior most members of the Hyderabad Broadcom team and my former boss Subhash Chintamaneni. Job was at the peak of its non-understandability and I was at my morals lowest. But I am such a stubborn bitch that I pushed on. This is when Kanna called again. She wanted to feel her Bro. That is what she said. Feel Bro after he had failed to feel her. She never asked me how I was or how life was going. This never fails to surprise me as I feel that everyone takes me to be living in eternal bliss while the hell breaks open for one and all everyday of their lives. I spoke to her coldly for I was hurt and wanted no more of any pain. I had a meeting coming up in a few hours and I was in no way ready for it. I was trying my best to suppress my feelings and keep pushing it but her voice broke through.

I spoke of practicality and the fact that time was shorter for her than for me. The thing about its only what you have achieved in your life that stays with you shit and everything else. I told her that for once I was keeping the family on the back burner and concentrating on my work (this is what I am using to shield all my pain with nowadays).  She was clearly hurt. But there was a little reality to it too. I no longer fear her separation from me. Earlier it used to pain but seems like I have taken it to be a fact. May be after what I am preparing myself for in Swapi’s case, all this seems but trivial. I was shocked with all that I had said and wanted to repent so sent out text messages. Here is the conversation:

Me: sorry kiddo.dont know what crap I have been speaking. Sorry baby. Very sorry mean the world to me but have kept everything back in my mind for I see everyone everyone going on with life and me having to look at two ppl to support i.e. maa and baba. i want to do something for them if i cant for anyone else.i have stopped searching for ppl,stopped reaching out.if this is growing up & trying to act smart then i dont like it but will embrace it if it is letting me move ahead.Kiddo time is a commodity u dont have.dont look for ur Bro and waste this little time u have and do what you want to.seeing u successful might just bring my smile back.

Kanna: Bro wont come in ur way.. If my bro says that he doesnt care and speaks to me as if i m someother person.. Bro u blame me 4 ur numbness .. Bro its wrong to say that people leave u ..even u have left them bro.. Everytime i ask for my bro, u blame me 4 not being there.. When i m someother person, and speak like u dont care, i dont know why i exist.. Dint think a day would come when i say that i m ur sis and u speak as to mean 'so what'.. You demean me so much.. You r insulting me so much.. What s this bro.. Do u realize any of this.. I dont know why i still expect when u speak to me like an outsider.. I.. Bro i m still the same.. But u r not... I m somebody.. Hmm...

Me:  Hmmm

Kanna:  Bro if its really 4 ma and dad that u r doing this to me, wont disturb you.. I hope u be with them emotionally and in real..

Me:  kiddo why do u always take it that i am blaming u kiddo.yes ur one of the ppl i cudnt reach but what can i expect when i cant reach out to my own mother & father.kiddo i am numb.very numb.yes its insulting to the love u expect but my mind is just closed.for maa and baba,they r beyond my doing anything.i wil submit to their wishes & if it makes them happy then that is all that i can do for them.rest i am doing it all for myself kiddo.just for myself & no one else...

Kanna:  I need him bro, not 4 something, but to feel my bro.. Bro do u think i would be able to call out to u, this way bro.. Its just that i thought i was family, but 4 long now.. i told myself that its not happening because i couldnt accept it.. Even now u r making me feel that.. Geuss its time i slap myself .. Nothing abt u.. I m not yet numb bro..

Me:  kiddo ur a part of my really small family.how can u say that ur not.i need u too.i need u too..but my emotions r drained,i am drained.Kiddo i am tired now.YOU ARE A PART OF ME & IF I LOSE U, I WILL BE EMPTIER THAN I ALREADY AM.

I am so lost. I don’t know what to feel. If I could feel anything at all my little sister left me stranded in something even more scarier. Will keep trying…

Will quit writing for now but there is a hell lot more that I was up here for there is so much pent up it is hurting and you are the only one that I can speak to right now!!

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

...Mama.  Some days l feel different than the day before.
Everybody feels different about themselves, one way or another.  But we're all going the same way.  Just taking different roads to get there, that's all.  You're on your own road, Benjamin....


...You were all alone?  Plenty of time you'll be alone.  When you're different like us, it's gonna be that way.But l'll tell you a little secret. Fat people, skinny people, tall people, white people, they're just as alone as we are.  But they're scared shitless....


...lt's funny how sometimes the people we remember the least make the greatest impression on us....


...There were many changes. Some you could see, some you couldn't....


...lt sure made me understand the value of earning a living. Things money can buy you....


...Growing up's a funny thing.  Sneaks up on you. One person is there, then suddenly somebody else has taken her place. She wasn't all elbows and knees anymore...


...Benjamin, we're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?...


...But every night, we'd meet again in that lobby.  A hotel in the middle of the night can be a magical place.  A mouse running, and stopping.  A radiator hissing.  A curtain blowing.  There's something peaceful, even comforting knowing that the people you love are asleep in their beds where nothing can harm them....


...lt's a funny thing about coming home.  Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You realize what's changed is you....


...Our lives are defined by opportunities. Even the ones we miss...


...You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went.  You can swear and curse the Fates.  But when it comes to the end, you have to let go...


...Sometimes we're on a collision course and we just don't know it.  Whether it's by accident or by design, there's not a thing we can do about it. But, life being what it is,a series of intersecting livesand incidentsout of anyone's control...


...You haven't said two words. l don't want to ruin it...


...What? What are you thinking?
Well, l was thinking how nothing lasts.
And what a shame that is.
Some things last...


...For what it's worth, it's never too late,or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.There's no time limit. Start whenever you want.You can change or stay the same.There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. And l hope you make the best of it. l hope you see things that startle you. l hope you feel things you never felt before. l hope you meet people with a different point of view. l hope you live a life you're proud of. And if you find that you're not, l hope you have the strength to start all over again...


...And as l knew l would, l watched her go...

...l have a feeling there's a lot of things l can't remember.
Well, like what, sugar?
lt's like there's this whole life l had, and l can't remember what it was.
lt's okay.  lt's okay to forget things....