The Mute World...

Think of normal people who love the mute... what kind of pain it must be when she is running away from you towards the cliff after a fight and you can only shout in vain telling her that what she was thinking was wrong, asking her to stop!

What kind of pain it must be to see your love drive away and she chasing the car, shouting as loud as she can but her voice only meeting the mist appearing from lips and dissappearing at the very instant!

What kind of pain it must be...!!!

Today!

Somedays you want to be left alone,

Somedays you want to wipe your hands clean of your past and start over,

Somedays you want to just walk away and never look back,

Somedays you just want to run in the Sun that shone after the first shower of the season,

Somedays you just want to be you,

Somedays you want to be alone,

Today is such a day!

My head is buzzing...

this was meant to be a blog entry but thought that i will send it to you first.

its been more than 12hours that your feet took off from Indian soil to take you to that far off land and far from me. the amount of pain bottled up is immense. its frequently pushing up the edge of the eyes giving a warm and wet feeling along the eyes till it starts to prick. not able to cry! saw something in you... have no idea what it was... those 10 minutes when i held you and for the first time saw you shed tears for yourself... those where the moments! not able to cry any more... badly want to for it is simply compounding the pain.

want to brush my fingers on your cheeks... just for once! my hands seem to be asking for you... my chest asking for your breath on it... my eyes asking for your hair to float and fall in them... my fingers asking for your fingers to be locked in mine... my skin asking for the sensation of your eyes locked upon me... my feet asking for your feet to be casually thrown on them!!!

waited for two years for a hug now its every part in me asking for you! the mind is numbed by its physical limits but as the week wears off i am sure the mind will have carving of its own!

Remember this "Kal IMAX mein milenge, Batman dekhenge, Sandwich khaenge, Coke piyenge. Movie ke baad NTR garden ke road par chalenge aur phir aur ghumenge!!!". Ya it was jokingly asking you to meet me today... it was not a joke! i was praying for the impossible... Somewhere my heart prayed like a child that the moment of separation at staircase of your house was not real.

Scared Shonu... your Shonu is very scared!!! Scared that these moments are never to happen again!!! :(

Stabbed but ain't dead yet!

i told her, "I was dead, u put a little life into my body what else would happen but the sight of a body withering in pain and wishing that it was never brought to life at all." It is a feeling i have never before felt in my life. i was in pain, i was happy, i was shit scared, i was confused about the space i was in, i was unaware of the feeling that were flowing through me, i was unaware of myself.
i still feel her touch on my hand, her cold skin, her warm skin , her scent still lingers in my arms where i held her.
each of the tears that i shed hurt so much. tears felt so meaningless as she left me once more. i feel so meaningless!

Sitting with a her today as we dealt with the complexities of a language defined by others and left to us to master, i found how life had changed her from the carefree girl she once was to a tense and thoughtful lady. Not that she was not thoughtful or she was not mature but this was a face of life which she would have survived even if she did not see it.

Well now that she has seen it there is no escaping the harsh realities of it. Then i thought, wasn't i going through the same when i was her age. She is at least not being bound. i was bound! i am... she too is but at least she is not bottling up.
We spoke of so many things but the words kept revolving around the dying sun of a lost relation. Cant replace your lose nor can i wish that you get back what you have lost... i have learnt that we don't think when we have got things from life and the happiness if any is quite short lived. But when it comes to moments washed with tears our mind starts to toil to see a hint of greenery in the lands long barren and devoid of any life.
Try not to hard child... move on! keep your spirits high... for thou shalt surely receive what thou deserve!

Tetobe Monkey Kick Off

Totebo Monkey Kick Off!

My latest obsession... MONKEYZZZ!!!

Letter to the lost!

Some times in life, you love someone and know that the person loves u the same. But you are helpless... bound by distance and bound by relations. Today I have know, not that I did not know the pain of being away from your loved one. But today I knew that it could take out the meaning out things you do in your life regularly. Some where some thing told me as I kept thinking that this is perhaps just an obsession and nothing more than that. Tried with all my will and power to push it away but in no way could I push away the love that kept emerging.

Life has put me in the same stand only some time back and I was moving at the same stand myself again and that too with neck break speed. It was difficult to get away from it and I cannot take a second blow at the same place twice or so I feel.

Yes this mail contains a lot of I which is quite unlike me. Even I can feel it but cant help it. If I don’t think of this "I" then may be soon enough I will not be a part of the We that I strive for.

Kept saying that something is wrong! I checked my universe to see if someone was not ok, just forgot to check myself...

Fly Away...

Dear "old" friend,
remember the days when i used to say that i want to run away to some place far and not come back to this life of mine. start a new life with a different me. well though it never happened and i tried my best to develop a new me but still i feel incomplete. It is as if the going away thing, walking away to the feeling called freedom has become my only obsession. don't know how it will feel when i actually do it but i want to do it soon.
yes i know i will be blamed for running away but then it will be a happiness of a kind that i surely want to experience then may be i can truly be what i wanted to be. well the strive to break free has begun and i hope that on this page soon enough there will be the final news of "fly away"... what a song it was! so long my friend...

Kiddo's Birthday Party!

Went out with my Kiddo and her friends to a Malaysian resturant called Awana for Kiddo's birthday party. it was not my first time there but felt good to be there with them!

Had a great time! Then the drive in the rain... My Kiddo looked so beautiful.

Hope she is always happy and smiling! Probably her last birthday with me but i wish her happiness for a life time.

Its still rainin! Probably its just my heart :)

Letter to a friend...

She was a part of our life which we loved and captured in the deep and loving corner of our heart. Don’t feel sad that the time doesn’t exist now. Raj we have gone through many cycles of meeting people and losing out on them together. Only a few stayed and those who did had more or less changed beyond recognition. I am sure there will be many people you would at this time have wished that you never met or some people who you wish had met you much before!

Our She is a suspension in time. Don’t disturb those moments with the images from today. Everybody changes Raj. She is growing up and she has grown away from our eyes. We no longer know who she meets or dwells with each day of her life. We were not there when she met new people, experienced new things and bud into the lady she is.

Another year or two and she would have no time for people who so rarely show up in her life unless it brings her immense joy and happiness in her life to be with them. We came close to her because she carved to have a loving brother and we carved for that baby love. Yes she loved us a lot but now that love has been diluted with years of dust and distance.

The time for innocence is not over yet nor is the pain over lost innocence. Soon enough you will have your own child and then there will be nothing to match the innocence on her face and in that phase of your life you would have forgotten all about Her face and her kiddoish being which felt so safe and comfortable in her brother's arms.

Ya it hurts now to think about the times that we have gone through, the clarity in her eyes, the smile on her face, the child... no it can never be forgotten and to forget it would be a crime we commit against ourselves. You always have blamed/kidded/scolded/admired in me the fact I never get very close to people. See why! Not that I am scared of their drifting away but I am scared of the memories that haunt me through my life. And more so in times of loneliness and in times of happiness when I remember some aspect of a dear one which I could have used at that moment of my life.

We will see more of the innocence we have always carved for Raj. There is more to come, more to feel and more to lose. It's just the start of the beginning of life.

Rony.

How i got alone though i was not!

Went out with two dear friends of mine and thought that i had already forgotten anything that might be bothering me. But as the day drew to a close and the realization struck me that ya this was actually there, happening at that moment and it was drawing to a close rather fast. i didn't want it to end. i didn't want to.
There are only a few place where i feel at home. Met Deep after twice in a months time that too after 6 years but not for a moment felt like we have been away so long. And Farah, a new friend after so long ! Really refreshing. You are so sweet girl, loved your company... Happy!!! Feel like myself with you guyz :)
Had started to feel alone as i dropped my buddiez home and started back for my own nest. But life had a small gift wrapped in shiny cover waiting for me. I saw my baby. i didn't think i would get to see her twice in less than a day :)
A great day for me so had to put it down here. Hope i have more of them in the days to come. Very tired... drove close to 100kms... have to sleep!
Adventure or mis-adventure! good or bad! I dont know and i dont care... i want more of it.... i want more of LIFE!