(^.^) HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010 (^.^)

Never posted more than 8 article in a single month. Yeeeaaaah... sadly there is no one to share it with! Sharing with myself the family postcard that i made for the new year :) 
Happy New Year Maa, Baba!
Happy New Year Dadabhai!
Happy New Year Swapi, Kiddo!
Happy New Year Raj, Atul!

Sorry Kiddo...

Feeling very bad. So far away from someone i considered my own flesh-n-blood. The pain is so great and no one to share that its killing me. i did tell Swapna, (for the first time she was against what i had done, though she had always said that the intimacy between me and Kanna was more than necessary) but then that did not lessen the pain.
Hope she is better. i am crippled as i step into the new year and i am starting something new by losing out on someone so close. Miss you Kiddo. Sorry i hurt you so much.

Did i do something wrong?

Which category do you place this question - confession, asking for someone’s well-being, plain insulting, ignorance!!
Time and again when i go into my infamous silence mode, where i am generally pissed off and whamming-banging anything that stands in front of me, people (supposedly) close to me, pose this question and expect a blunt edged answer to it. But most of the times they are met with a grave silence as a warning not to piss me off further.
This silence is something not many can fathom; it’s surprising how people who expect me to guess what their silence means fail to understand what it means to me. Guess what, it means i am screaming... it’s a blood curling scream, a wild scream, an animal’s scream, a scream in anguish, a scream of agony, a scream - my scream! My voice is taken away from me when you guys accuse me but what do i say when i want to accuse you, when i want to hurt you, when i want to go away from you!
Why am i so helpless when it comes to you guys, i am feeling strangled with the love i feel for you, helpless, angered, in pain! Am i lashing out for i feel that everything between us is going to end.

Every Man for Himself...

People say that as you reach the twilight of your life, you start to realize that you ran after the wrong things and wait for the wrong people. I have not even reached the zenith of my life and i already get the feeling that may be i am not doing things right. Have i invested my feelings and my time in people who do not appreciate it, people who can't do without it (or so they think)?
When i got the feeling that i was just a filler of void it hurt me. Void created from waiting in the corridor for the food to arrive, a break to stretch the neck and have no one to speak to, bored, nothing to do, in pain and no one to understand. What is it?
I get accused at times for being someone who doesn't call up, but i do. When i start doing it, people tell me - they forget so i should keep calling. When i call, i am asked to speak. Did any of you guys think that i feel like a telephone operator, a slave to your whims and wish? Don't you guys realize that sometimes even i feel like speaking and be heard? Didn't you ever get the feeling that may be i was waiting all day?
No one does.
It's truly said - "Every man is for Himself!" Only that i was too naive to understand. Even though i have comprehended the message, i guess i will remain an object for you guys for you make my life and then how long is it going to last anyway???

What do i want....

As you hurt me today, yet again, i started to think and crib as any disgruntled male in my situation would. what i was asking for was your understanding. Understanding so that you would adopt my point of view, sympathize with me and continue to accept and love me the way i am.
but then i realized what you were doing was just a natural reflex, since i was not helping you be with me, you were accepting and as they say it going with the flow. what was i cribbing about when it is you who is in pain. you don't even cry any more. the tears which i sometimes thought were just to get your way with me is what i miss the most some times. the moisture in your eyes, the streaks where the tears had dried up, the wet cheek, wet where the tears had just rolled by and then were smothered by  my kisses. miss those days when i would brush the hair out of your eyes and hold you knowing in my heart that what ever it was if you were with me then i could make it right, set things to order.
but gone are those days... do i miss them and do i want them back. want back those days when i would be able to see the dreamy look in your eyes, the shy smile, the bold talk, the hesistation followed by a nervous yes when trying something new. yes i do miss them, but do i want them for ever!
when i wake up on these cold december mornings, i think how good it would be if i had your warm body by mine, me carelessly warped around you, feel your cold hands on my chest... would these dreams cease to exist if you were mine. will they whilt and die out or will they transpier into something more beautiful and addictive.
yes you are addictive, very addictive. sometimes i feel that i cannot make it through another day without you but then i have spent so many days away from you. what harm would it do to spend a lifetime away from you, will it kill me. truth is: i dont know, i can think of the worst or the best possible but i am not sure. you are a fatal desire and so i dont know if i want you or not.
when i was waiting for you today so that i could hear your voice i started imagining myself as you, waiting for me the way you do, looking at me as i walked away, waiting for a hug as you stood there not expecting it, crying and hoping that i would comeback, waiting to be held once as i hurled insults and painful words at you, facing all the problems and still meeting me with a smile. it broke me, made me feel so small and insignificant. i do nothing compared to what you are doing and bearing for me right now. you have the courage to let people decide your fate cause they own you while you keep loving me boldly. but for what... nothing. why do you want me baby?
why do i want you? why dont i want you?
i am troubled and not able to find an answer. i am sorry baby. i am so sorry. wish i could bring you real happiness, forgive me.

As you went away!

A textual rendition of a voice recording made on a lonely drive back home after bidding farewell to a dear one.

I do not know how they give you away... Decide a definitive time when you will leave them. Go away, may be forever. 

I couldn't!! I cried, I cried my heart out. 

It's painful you know... In travelling the streets that we travelled together. Looking in the rear-view mirror, thinking that if i looked hard enough maybe i could see you in the darkness, smiling back at me.

I don't know. I am not sure of myself any longer. "Wanted you so much! Why aren't you mine?", is a question that lingers now.

In a night when i would never expect to be with you, this silly mind hopes that you should be with me, as you travel far away. How far i do not know but my heart surely feels the distance. It's painful, I really do not know how to let you go! I couldn't, I never will be able to... Love you!

- June 15 2009 - As you went away!

 Love you all... Hope we all stay together! Woo... that is such a naive thought!

High Speed On The Highway On a Bike...

Still remember that foolish look on my face. There i stood after being forced by maa to take part in the English elocution competition. Not very sure why i succumbed, may be it was to impress her but sure enough she stood there staring at me. can see the bright sun behind her as people milled around lazily behind her, there she stood wide black eyes dressed in her light yellow dress. It was not the anticipation of what was going to happen(which was sure to be a disaster!) or the fear of walking to the stage, it was her eyes. it's only recently that i have had courage to look into those deep dark eyes but then in those days it used to send my heart pounding.
I guy in front of me was blah-blahing about "Euthanasia". I did not even know then what it meant. now the fear crept into me. i thought, "what if i get a topic, i hadnt even heard of! what will she think!". I panicked and i looked around for help, the idea of darting away from the stage crossed my mind more than once but my legs had turned into lead. My name was called out and i was to pick out a chit from a Goldfish bowl!! As i saw the bowl it reminded me of a fact that Goldfish have a memory of less than 3 seconds (No offense meant Mr. Goldfish, hope you remember that it has been proven to be a myth), i just hoped that people had an equally bad memory (again no offense meant!) and would soon forget the mess, that's me! Well i made the dip and the crumpled paper said "High Speed On The Highway On a Bike "!
I took a step to the podium and kept staring into her eyes. it was a strange sensation but it felt so good. it used to happen a lot then but then a lot used to happen in those lost glorious days of adolescence. i started to speak and it was no more than a squeak!! Eeeeekkkkkkkssss! What's happening....
While my mind dealt with the visual confusion and lingual inability, my heart was soaring on a gleaming machine in a different dimensional plane. there she was in a flowing white dress, seated behind me. The roads lined with greenery were a blur as we swooshed by them. the sky was bright and the wind scented. there was a breeze not the roaring wind. there was no adrenaline but there was a kind of romance in the scene that my heart had conjured as i looked deep into her eyes. I was so wound up in this world of my own that i missed out on what words my poor helpless tongue was trying to form. When the time was up, i saw her walking away.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I have no idea what made me write this today while she is far away, happy with someone else. No i did not have a tragic romantic entanglement with her, she was not that desperate... Hahaha... nor am i going to reveal who she was but do pray that she is happy in the life that she is so passionately making for herself.
Well what i can do tell you is what reminded me of this particular incident. As i made my way back from office last Thursday(17 December 2009), i was as usual cursing the bad traffic sense of people in Hyderabad (It's not bad, its freakingly f**ked up!), i had to slow down with all the traffic at the bottleneck near Khairatabad. The bottle neck exists due to a temple that just wont give up for the common good of all its devotees in the name of secular freedom. I chucked out all my traffic sense and got involved in a chase after a scooter snuggled up to my car door and left a lipless sneer on it. I was dishing out a carefully chosen platter of blasphemistic expletives to the Michelangelo when my eyes rested on a kid standing at the outer gate of the the temple beside her father as her (i wrote their but i guess she was sure daddy had bought it for her) bike got baptized. In her eyes, as she looked at her worldly possession, i saw the look that i had seen when she had her eyes upon me. A look of intrigue as she looked upon the her future which she was sure held promise!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An excerpt from my diary -

I met her eyes and the dying flames under the ember and ash leapt high once more... [12th October, 2002]

 And ya, she landed up in the evening wearing a exquisite white dress :) Still remember that it had made my day :)

Random thoughts!

Everyday you will see people so in love, so separated from their loved ones. then you will see people who are in a relation and they are cribbing. how can it be such a world of contrast? people always cribbing about what they dont have and yet not enjoying what they carved for so much a while ago in their lives.
i am trying to enjoy my life as it is now but people tell me that i am fooling myself. what is wrong about fooling myself if it feels good... tears will follow but what is wrong is smiling when tears are something that i cant escape! it makes me happy to see people smile when they act possessive about their loved ones and act bitchy so that they can bask in their attention. where does all of this go, where does it get lost! are we moving too fast... the love, the feeling of belonging, the feeling of time passing too soon, the feeling of being loved, the feeling of their breath on our cheek as they held us close, the feeling of their fingers in our hair as they roughed up our hair! miss those days! miss what i was then...

A few crazy things that people told me this week...

1) he could have fked me if he wanted but then it would just be friendly fk!!
2) i spent less time in the game than what i spent trying to buy a shoe to play in it.
3) i guess i want to get married that is why i am not serious about anything in life right now.
4) I will sponsor the ticket to KL rest you take care. :)
5) ... there is no hope but let us not give up hope for there might still be some hope...
Guess more will come as life goes on...

A new day...

12:20 PM Yesterday i decided that i will do something that probably i have not done before... turn a blind eye to everything and just concentrate on things that make me happy, keep a low profile and basically keep happy. When i faced the world with this resolve i suddenly realized that the world wasn't so enthusiastic about the changes in me. Egos are clashing and the titans are falling. Nobody is dead yet but there surely is a lot of blood. 
I am happy because i am unscathe and i don't give a damn as long as i am happy :) so mean yet so sensible :D
**************************************************
12:48 PM Managers and wannabe managers lock horns over trivial issues and the fight comes into public light for the first time. Gosh it is getting ugly!

He looks so much like dadabhai...

Once upon a time when people used to say that he looks so good, cute and cuddly, i used to, for sure, feel a twinge of jealousy....
But when i saw Tojo today i felt tears welling up my eyes...
Where did you go? Why did u leave us?

It's cold...

Couldn’t sit at my seat any longer. Was not able to take the incessant blast of cold air down my neck. Had to search for something warm. Walked to my favorite spot in the office. The huge window which engulfed half the naked concrete city into its embrace. Yes it was warm here. Could feel the sun on my skin though the rays were bouncing off the skeleton of a huge structure coming up next to my place of work.
The view of the silent city, accompanied by the heavy and laborious breathing of the air conditioning system broken by its own thunderous roar as it cranked gears, might soon be lost as the skeleton structure, next to the building where i stood, put on skin of concrete or i might be long gone! Here it is warmer than the other places in the office and i come here when the cold creeps deep into my bones but today i feel cold, desolate and lonely!
My eyes wander the horizon aimlessly, i look from one structure to another as if one of them would raise an arm as we used to as children in a class. That bubbling enthusiasm is something that i am dying to experience again. But something else is killing me now.
The while of the air conditioning system is slowly dying out but it still breaths laboriously. It almost feels like its sleeping. As my eyes strain to see smaller structures in the distant skyline checking for telltale signs of life, my mind is conjuring sounds of approaching footsteps, laughter and screaming kids. i turn around each time the din in my head grows loud enough and sure enough the sound dies out as if i were in a vessel sailing away fast from all the fanfare at the shore.
No the warmth from the sun is not enough today to drive the chill from my skin. I feel... umm... insecure, may be for the first of many times that are to come. Now i know how those thousands had felt when their work place just shut the doors on them. No it is not that bad yet for me but my stomach churns with the thought of what it might be this time tomorrow.
Very lonely and scared but i know there is no one in this world who can console and support me now. I don’t want to seek one now. i guess it will be me and the city in slumber under the October’s lazy afternoon sun and the laborious breathing of the air conditioning system.

The Wall...

10 minutes ago while taking bath (one of the most delayed bath in my life time i guess to date) and out of nowhere materialized in my mind "A WALL". where it came from and why i don’t know but this wall i knew. i have known it all my childhood but why now. what was my mind thinking about? i tried to reason.

this was the wall which stood as a sign of something that i could never cross, never conquer, it was just a sign of wait. as my elder siblings just took off and i waited on the same side, staring at the breaking off tar layer, the shoots of a tree that never made it, the flutter in my stomach as i heard all of them squeal. i so longed to just look over.

one day i thought that i had grown enough and i tried. tried to go over while i was alone, never thought how i would come back, that is if i could ever make it in the first place. scratched and a painful bum was all that i had left when i entered home that night.

but why did i see it today? was there anything that it symbolizes today in my life? i did cross the hurdle, i did get across but why today?

Surprised! There are so few of them out here... but they are mine!

How do i land up surprising myself every time i think that nothing can scathe me let alone hurt me... but can't really say that, can i? these people that i speak of here are all that i have left. it might be surprising that such a small communion of people take up all my life.
Life seems so content, at this moment. A loving mother, a dotting father, the love of my life so close to me & a sister who is nothing less than my life herself. It can keep this illusion up for a while if i tried hard enough but then my mind fatigues and just gives up shatters the fragile string of images into a million pieces. Not that the love won't stay but it will fade for sure and will be lost. i am happy about all the love that i am getting at this moment but what hurts is the prospect of all of it being snatched away in moments when i am the weakest.
Yes, i will live again and i will be up and smiling. Yes all will be fine and there will be things that will be of greater importance and urgency at a later point of time but i wanted to put what i was feeling now so that later when i see this note, i remember what life was and what i had. for the future that will be a present some time to remind me all that i have at present that will soon be the past.


love you ma
love you baba
love you dadabhai
love you swapna
love you kanna
love you all...


P.S.: There are other people who are worth a mention and who are really special and who i love but though i can't quantize what i feel but surely its less. Raj, Atul, Sreeti, Roma & Tuki. Love you guys too. May it will be very late by the time you see this post or you might just not see it ever but i will love you. i know i will because i always have whether you were near or far!

In Pain... Ah, i guess its just me complaining!

hmmm.... coming back to the questions that had haunted me long long ago but then not so long ago either... why me, is this the way it is going to be! meeting people and then letting them go... is this the trait that is going to follow me. how many people can i let go, what rules am i living by, what principles am i setting for myself...

people accuse me, curse me, shun me, break me, wreck me, crush me and then leave me.

accuse me of loving them less, accuse me for not being there, accuse me for not sharing, accuse me for not feeling their pain, accuse me for being insensitive, accuse me for not being able to feel the pain, accuse me for being the very person they had once loved, accuse me of moving away.

curse me for thinking for them, curse me for holding on to them, curse me for looking out for them, curse me for trying to think for them, curse me for shedding tears alone when they don't understand me, curse me for moving away.

then they shun me, crush me, break me, wreak me and leave me alone... the time when i need them they are not there, i keep waiting but then no one cares, i look across the weeping plains, eyes strained and aching, waiting for a sign, waiting for a smile, waiting for a touch, waiting for them to come back, take me into their arms and tell me that it is alright to be scared, alright to cry. i dream with open eyes the sight of their happy face only to meet dark cold walls and empty streets at the end of the dream. i feel with my drained senses the sensation of their touch on my skin only to feel the stench and burn of the my scaled skin.

why do i have to think about everyone that is in my life. ask someone and they say that they think of me. am i so stupid, do i look so dumb, cant they see that their lie hurts me every single time. it hurts... how do i make them realize that the scent of the sweet memories is wearing away and that the trance is breaking, how do i tell them the pain is making me numb to their accusations. how do i convey that my tears are blurring their presence in my life. how do i make them hear my wails that don't let their words reach me. i am not able to come back to life. i am not so maleable any more, its cracking in places, i am cracking. the split edges jut into me and pierce me, it bleeds and it hurts...

someone hold me, give me a promise to live by, give me a hope...

Out in the wild...

so we are finally out... out in the dust and grime together! its been so long that i have had some company. it feels lonely, no one to speak to in the sense that there is no one to relate to so that we can speak heart to heart.

i don't even have days like those to miss for i had none. my family made sure that i had none. awesome isn't it. good it prepared me for this i.e. the today. but still i think that i am missing something.

something that i want but i am not able to get. pretty pissed off with myself. may be i want company or may be i just want to be left alone, may be a change in life.

or is this change driven by the fact that people who have left, oh fuck the same word again... guess it irritates everytime that i know that i am alone or i left them... hahaha...but what can i do... either way its me who is left alone...

may be i am feeling puny by comparison when i see people moving to places that i dream of. and want to do something to at least match what the others are up to, may be that but then i am not very sure anything now a days,

today i feel like typing and this nut case auto driver just wont give up.. he is weaving through every gap that he is getting. what luck... hmmm... friends foes... no relation as such existing as of now.. there is a family that i have and it is serving all roles. so it gets a little messy at times when you have to love the same people that you hated just the night before. thinking about everyone and thinking about everything doesn't seem to be working out anymore. sick of it. should i stop, should i look for new avenues...

everyone thinks about me then why doesn't someone just tell me what to do... its the same thing...i had been thinking about you but never is the statement assertive saying hey Rony i think that this is best for you, why don't you just do it... i am with you and i am going to stand with you throughout!

losing confidence... may be i will even lose myself in a year or so... dint do anything today at office and i don't think that i am capable of doing anything... its a strange feeling... may be i am just getting lazy and blaming things onto that... but what do i do... i am not able to understand anything...

heard a song... the climb from the movie Hanna Montana.... thought of it as an inspiration but the song just faded from my mind and except a few bitter thoughts of my own people who find immense pleasure in my mere presence and use of my brain for their petty personal issues!!

reaching home... better stop or all the bitter feelings of the week will splash these pages and leave many a souls in pain....

ASUS EEE 1005HA

my first note on my very own net book. ya i know i had the dream to own the meanest machine in the city but seems like this is more than enough to feed my bulging ego for now :)

not that i have any complaints. like a obedient Yorkie it is staying by my side, never yelping, just sleeping when his master is busy at something else. haven't fancied a boy-toy in a long time. love it... thanks buddy for the wonderful gift.

hopefully now it will fuel my passion to write more and write more frequently :) want to kiss it... hehehe... no kissi kissi for long i guess...hehehe...

missin everyone for i have no one around me but now i have got you my friend. i want to type type and type away.it is feeling good to let my finger do the speaking.

hey how about i keep a journal of all that i am doing here... what i did through the day... hmmm... what do you say?

what is the hullabaloo about?

Alright it's official... if recession has ended then this is the month that it hit me the hardest... got so much into merry making that i landed up spending a little too much, actually much more than my kitty would actually allow... wish even i could file for bankruptcy and stupid politicians would suck public money into my dry accounts to revive me!!

Two new words that i learnt on a Sunday Morning!

Virtual Pool Programme (VPP):

Instead of lay off putting surplus employees in a separate pool, paying them basic salary, provident fund and medical insurance, and at a later stage if they are still needed for a job, considering them for employment.

Circular Trading:

Purchase and sale of commodity shown on paper while they did not exist on ground. What is the gain? Involved personnel can secure commissions for the “trade.” This boosted turnover can be shown to financial institutions to take loans.

A picture that says it all!

I HAVE THE BESTEST SISTER IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!!

A Happy Sandwich :)

A Smile, I will do anything for!

Silent Beauty!

7 lessons I learned this week

Courtesy: barrycade[April 19, 2008]

1. How to avoid embarrassment from a yawn. My college professor’s tip on stifling a yawn in class helped me avoid embarrassmant during a couple of meetings and consultations I did at work this week. When I felt like yawning during one meeting while seated across the company chair and vice chair, I recalled the tip and breathed deeply through my nose. That one deep inhalation prevented me from the humiliation of yawning at the wrong place at the wrong time.

I learned that yawning is actually not because of boredom or fatigue; it’s a way for the brain to cool off after periods of intense activity. Inhaling deeply through the nose sends a wave of cool air to the blood stream, lungs, and eventually the brain, enough for it to cool down and command your system not to yawn.

2. Cover first, flush second. I was told that when you flush the toilet, particles of water including E.coli bacteria, which causes gastroenteritis and urinary tract infections among others, spray up to the air and land up to 20 feet away. Thank goodness I always wash my toothbrush before putting toothpaste! :)

From now on, I’ll switch my habit: cover first, flush second in any toilet I use. This is one small effort to avoid getting sick and help clean the air. Haha! If there’s no cover, I’ll probably just suspend breathing until I’ve washed my hands and stepped out of the restroom! Hahaha! 

3. White lies work best when your boss is over 50. Part of working smart in the 21st century is being ready to tell a white lie at the most appropriate time. And to a boss who’s showing early signs of Alzheimer's. The good thing about a white lie is it’s insignificant to become the boss’s top-of-mind during judgment time.

Am I sharing this based on my experience? Hmm, partly yes, but mostly through direct observation of others. Hahaha! 

4. Sitting down or lying down after a meal does not make the tummy bigger. Thanks to the latest issue of Men's Health, I’m now enlightened that sitting down or lying down right after a meal has no scientific link to a bigger belly. I’m sure you’ve seen people who consciously (in fact, with soooo much effort) not to sit down after a  heavy meal, claiming they don’t want to have bulging tummies as if the mere act of sitting down is the only cause of unwanted bulges.

I remember having been ”advised” several times in the past by friends and relatives when they see me slouching comfortably, as if it’s a mortal sin to sit down after enjoying a good meal. I’ve always hated the reasoning. Now I have more good reason to hate it even more and not heed the advice.

5. Get insurance only when you’re over 25 and have a full-time job. Getting insurance can be tricky because it takes some good amount of faith to trust a company with your savings, not to mention you need to have the maturity to value hard-earned money and appreciate the worth of an insurance. When you are too young (say 21), fresh out of college, and just starting out your career, you’re most likely very selfish and prefers immediate gratification from your salary. And I bet you will only get insurance because your bestfriend’s mom, or maybe your boss’s wife, or your ninang’s amiga, sweet-talked you into it like the trained agents that they are and you were too shy to say no.  

At 25, you are more or less established: you have regular income; you understand what inflation means; you’ve become so bored at work and so pissed off with your boss that you always daydream of running your own business, or doing the same investments he’s doing because you see him enjoying it now. So even before 25, learn everything you can about insurance so that when you’re mentally and financially ready, no agent can fool you into buying an insurance you don’t really need. I’m really speaking for myself here Hahaha! 

6. To know people better, go see their home. My officemates and I went to the wake of a colleague’s father last Thursday and I was surprised by her family’s living condition. It was worse than I expected. Despite some hints of embarrassment with us seeing her in her place, she was very warm and so was her family, and I felt they were all genuine. I think we in the office now have a better appreciation of our colleague.

Seeing co-workers in their home with their families is meaningfully different from seeing them in the office wearing their titles; it enables you to understand their attitude and behavior, to fully know “where they’re coming from”—figuratively and literally.

7. Always make room for surprises. And this is why I’m leaving no. 7 blank because I’m leaving some room for any surprise lesson from what’s left of my weekend. If there are no surprises tomorrow, then you can say I learned my lesson. 

A Rather Loud Playlist! But A Life Saver!

System Of A Down - Aerials

System Of A Down - Chop_Suey!

System Of A Down - Lonely Day

System Of A Down - Revenga

System Of A Down - Roulette

System Of A Down - Science

System Of A Down - Tentative

System Of A Down - Atwa

System Of A Down - Byob

System Of A Down - Hypnotize

System Of A Down - Toxicity

Akon : Right Now

[Download]

It's been so long

That I haven't seen your face

I'm tryna be strong

But the strength I have is washing away

It wont be long

Before I get you by my side

And just hold you, tease you, squeeze you

Tell you what's been on my mind

I wanna make up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na

Wish we never broke up right now, na na

We need to link up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na

Wish we never broke up right now, na na

We need to link up right now, na na

Girl I know mistakes were made between us two

And we show our eyes that night

Even said somethings weren't true

Why'd you go and haven't seen my girl since then

Why can't it be the way it was?

Cos you were my homie, lover and friend

I wanna make up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na

Wish we never broke up right now, na na

We need to link up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na

Wish we never broke up right now, na na

We need to link up right now, na na

I can't lie

I miss you much

Watching everyday that goes by

I miss you much

Until I get you back I'm gonna try

Yes I miss you much

You are the apple of my eye

Girl I miss you much

I miss you much

I can't lie

I miss you much

Watching everyday that goes by

I miss you much

Until I get you back I'm gonna try

Yes I miss you much

You are the apple of my eye

Girl I miss you much

I miss you much

I wanna make up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na

Wish we never broke up right now, na na

We need to link up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na

Wish we never broke up right now, na na

We need to link up right now, na na

I want you to fly with me

Want you to fly

I miss how you lie with me

Miss how you lie

Just wish you could dine with me

Wish you could dine

One that would grind with me

One that would grind with me

I want you to fly with me

Want you to fly

I miss how you lie with me

Miss how you lie

Just wish you could dine with me

Wish you could dine

One that would grind with me

One that would grind

I wanna make up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na

Wish we never broke up right now, na na

We need to link up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na

Wish we never broke up right now, na na

We need to link up right now, na na

Note: Please buy the CD and support the singer if you like [you will love the song!!!] the song

Blank

was one of those blank mornings when i woke up to find that i didn't want to do anything... yesterday was strangely a resolute day and i wanted to actually to do something for myself... yes for myself, for once, you heard it right. but then things fell apart as i met denial. wasn't sure if i was expecting something else for this should have been on the top of the "don't do it! type of reply". forget it, it was yesterday...

forget i did... mind went blank and couldn't draw good from bad and was not in the state to do what is expected of it. i wish it would at least think even if it was dirty or if get me emotional... listened to every tear jerking song that i know but none seemed to be of any help. i wanted to cry, nostrils flared and eyes burned but that drop of bliss eluded me. havent been able to succeed with my own emotions here!! where do i stand in understanding and feeding the emotional desires of those i love and care for?

yes i know that i have people who will stand by me if i need but that will happen only i am struck bad... generally my voice gets drowned in their combined voices of pain and agony, but have i been ignoring myself for long now. well going back to yesterday but didn't i deserve a little more consideration when i am asking of you of your approval for something which might help me and may be make me happy just for once. didn't i deserve that tiny magnitude of happiness? may be i didn't!!

weekend is around the corner. Saturday evening mercifully i guess i have some plan but otherwise i have no intention of staying at home, in that room and let my loneliness and the neglect of my own world consume me. lets see how it goes... problem is that nothing ever happens to me. every time i see those hapless souls weeping lost in their pain i feel how lucky they are at least they feel that sitting in the slow lane at the edge of a busy life you can weep your heart gaining the sympathy of the unknown ranging from blessings for sanity to downright sincere prayer for resolve of all problems in life. may be i should give it a try, but then i am not that weak either.

today was speaking to a friend after long... remember i had observed once that i have a way that i speak to each soul that i know so that i can connect to him or her at a very intimate level. i hadn't spoken to him for so long that i actually forgot how i used to speak to him, it was so strange that i had to restart the whole process of trying and connecting to him.(Important note to be made here is that i am becoming very forgetful nowadays! Food was one of the things regularly forgotten but recently many activities have joined the list and it is not making me proud in the least!!) ya so what was i saying... ya... (see i forgot) today was speaking to a friend after long and he said that he thought that i was not capable of any violent emotion and that i wasn't capable of getting emotional also... why such a thought, after all i have my set of emotions... did they really go dry, speaking to him awakened all the dormant feelings of breaking free... not a good feeling have to suppress it!!!

Till next time, as always a confused me!

Memoirs....

Man this pic makes me so nostalgic... Still remember the first chill of the winter evening, the dying warmth of the fast dissappearing red sun and the last snack that i ever had on the terrace of the VEDA IIT building... The last day before i moved to AMD! Can't believe that it has been two years since!!! The warmth of the day gone... relations lost in the way... faces lost... days gone... memories intact....

Pic courtesy : CRR a.k.a Ravindra Reddy [A million thanks man!]

Date of pic : 5 January, 2007

Kaash

Not a big supporter of the free the internet move but posting this song here coz its rare. Rare both in the sense of the availability as well as the its sensory kneading rendition!!!

kaash-jilawatan

Bangalore and back...

Entered the room after living a two day life i am not quite familiar with. But nothing had changed. Made me wonder for a while what length of absence would it require for the cylinder of void from which i lift my deo bottle out to dissappear, what force of time will it take rub my name of my table where i had engraved it with an idle mind!

i had no idea... in a way i was happy that i had come back for it felt warm and secure. but then it was not all that i felt. i had carved for the freedom and that is what i had got. yes it came with the added luggage of warnings, thoughts, jealousy, tears n smiles. but i must say that in the end it was worth ever bit starting from the first smile to the last tear! every bit...

the 34 hours that i spent with a soul i dearly loved seemed so less. No doubt that parents are so possessive of their children and dont want them drifting away. a staircase which i dont know if i will ever see again... the moments spent on it! the sweet talk! miss it every bit...
Wake up and walk on the roads infested by dog to have breakfast...
Go to the Udupi hotel where it was difficult to understand if it was Hyderabad or Bangalore...
Listen to Angel and her friends chat away about there day ahead...
I so want to go out and have a glass of that sweet sugarcane...
Walk on the footpath as the warm sun beat down on my back...
Smile as i see the orange color of the now familiar building...
Look at the gait of my child as she jumps and bounces in front of me...
I know i shouldn't but Kiddo thanks for being there for me... Love you...