What do i want....

As you hurt me today, yet again, i started to think and crib as any disgruntled male in my situation would. what i was asking for was your understanding. Understanding so that you would adopt my point of view, sympathize with me and continue to accept and love me the way i am.
but then i realized what you were doing was just a natural reflex, since i was not helping you be with me, you were accepting and as they say it going with the flow. what was i cribbing about when it is you who is in pain. you don't even cry any more. the tears which i sometimes thought were just to get your way with me is what i miss the most some times. the moisture in your eyes, the streaks where the tears had dried up, the wet cheek, wet where the tears had just rolled by and then were smothered by  my kisses. miss those days when i would brush the hair out of your eyes and hold you knowing in my heart that what ever it was if you were with me then i could make it right, set things to order.
but gone are those days... do i miss them and do i want them back. want back those days when i would be able to see the dreamy look in your eyes, the shy smile, the bold talk, the hesistation followed by a nervous yes when trying something new. yes i do miss them, but do i want them for ever!
when i wake up on these cold december mornings, i think how good it would be if i had your warm body by mine, me carelessly warped around you, feel your cold hands on my chest... would these dreams cease to exist if you were mine. will they whilt and die out or will they transpier into something more beautiful and addictive.
yes you are addictive, very addictive. sometimes i feel that i cannot make it through another day without you but then i have spent so many days away from you. what harm would it do to spend a lifetime away from you, will it kill me. truth is: i dont know, i can think of the worst or the best possible but i am not sure. you are a fatal desire and so i dont know if i want you or not.
when i was waiting for you today so that i could hear your voice i started imagining myself as you, waiting for me the way you do, looking at me as i walked away, waiting for a hug as you stood there not expecting it, crying and hoping that i would comeback, waiting to be held once as i hurled insults and painful words at you, facing all the problems and still meeting me with a smile. it broke me, made me feel so small and insignificant. i do nothing compared to what you are doing and bearing for me right now. you have the courage to let people decide your fate cause they own you while you keep loving me boldly. but for what... nothing. why do you want me baby?
why do i want you? why dont i want you?
i am troubled and not able to find an answer. i am sorry baby. i am so sorry. wish i could bring you real happiness, forgive me.