Drowning myself in music has always been an option to forget all that is happening to me and keep my mind at peace. But today this music seems like a wall that I am not being able to tear down and do nothing more than just stare at it. The pain is immense, its up to my throat. Can say nobody, not able to bear it!
Want to scream, loud, louder, louder than I can possibly bear! Head feels dizzy, the taste of bile in my mouth is revolting, the nausea is getting to me, tears welling to the edge of the eye and my rapid blinking to disperse them, nose clogged from hours of crying that was not.
I am in pain and I am so helpless. The weight on my chest is suffocating me. The thought of distancing myself from her, the thought of giving her away to someone, the thought of not being able to love her anymore, the thought of the death of us!
I would so want to be dead than go through all this… but I love her more than my life itself and for her I will take it. I am so sorry Shonu. I am so sorry!
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