Who is to blame?

Yesterday I was reading someone’s blog entry and he mentioned himself missing his Grandfather. Felt strange because I was trying to place the feeling to something I would have felt but stopped. I stopped because after a while I was sure that there was nothing in my life that will describe anything that they were feeling.

Then something dawned on me. This has happened to me not once, not twice but many times over. When people speak about their encounters with their grandpa, grandma, uncles, aunts, cousins; I feel at a loss for words and emotions. I look at them, smile and try to find something smart to say but I land up looking stupid with my mouth hanging open half way trying to form words.

Even I want to speak to about a grandma who smiled at me and spoke about the special dish she would make for me. A grandpa who would share with me stories – as old as the furniture that stood in the room he would be sitting. An aunt who would tease me and an uncle who would discuss with me the happiness and plights of the family, ask me about the schools his kids should go to. Cousins I could go out with, know that they would have my back, bring me to a bed when I am too drunk or drag me out when I am feeling just too low. Where are these people in my life? Why are they not in my life? I know of their existence but why is all of this missing? Who is to blame? Why is it so in my life? Are there other people out there who are leading a life like mine cut off from people you could call family.  

Lost people who were dear to me and spent the rest of my past life waiting for people I love. I could do with a few more people who I could relax with, have a conversation. May be what I really want is a failsafe relationship guaranteed by blood to fall back to. But when a relation as close to a brother has come to a naught, where is the assurance of anything staying in life.

I want to go to someone’s house on a summer afternoon unannounced, have lunch at their place while making useless conversation, sleep in their guest room, wake up to the sounds of someone’s house which is not mine, get embraced by the smell of a house familiar but in no sense regular. Will I get any of this? I don’t think so. Just a passing thought. No one to share.